Chunks of Beef and Boiled Milk

Overall, I really enjoy Indian food. They use amazing blends of spices. I typically have no idea exactly what I'm eating, but I like it. There is, however, one thing that I just can't manage to get down. Indian beef. I think maybe the overall problem is Indians don't really eat beef, so they haven't perfected the art of cooking it. All I know is they chop up bite-sized pieces of meat and cook it in curry. And its usually really tough. I don't really eat much beef period. I like burgers here and there, but a hunk of meat typically isn't appealing to me, especially when its prepared the Indian way. But going back to cultural assumptions, they assume since I'm an American that I'm a meat lover. Therefore, I end up getting served chunks of beef.

I woke up two mornings ago with my stomach feeling funky. I decided it was fine and went on with the day. I ended up going shopping with a few people to buy Christmas gifts for the school's Christmas celebration. The outing had so much potential to be a cool experience. But I gradually started feeling worse as the day went. Pastor Banuel bought me lunch after the shopping excursion. Guess what it was? Beef. I have to laugh about it now, but at the time I was like, I seriously can't handle this right now. (I really don't want to offend them by telling them their food is gross to me! I'm a little at a loss of what to do at times!). Fortunately, I ended up eating in a room alone, so I just didn't eat any of it!

Then, after school one teacher invited me over. She got off the bus with me to show me the way to her house. I just couldn't say no, even though I wanting nothing more than to go home and lie down. Again, it had so much potential to be a great experience, seeing her home and family and neighbors, but I felt horrible the whole time.

She asked if I wanted some tea. Indian tea is so good. Always a safe option. I don't know why but her version of tea didn't have any tea in it. It was just boiled milk and water. It really wasn't that bad, but when your stomach is churning, its just not ideal. haha.

I spent the entire night soooo sick. At one point in the night I was like, "Jesus, I really need a break here. Emotionally I've been struggling and adding this physical part is too much for me." I felt way better the next morning, praise the Lord. He answers prayer.

Even though I was feeling better when I woke up, I couldn't help but pray, "God, I really don't want to be here. I just want to be around someone or something familiar right now."

I feel like God has brought me a long ways from when I first got here. Initially, I honestly didn't know if I could handle this for six months, emotionally especially. So I do feel like I've made great strides as far as being able to settle on the fact that I'm here for a good while. But I still don't really like being here. I want so badly to love this place, I want to love what I'm doing. I do love the people, I can't help but always love people. But I don't love the situation at all. I don't love what I'm doing or where I'm living. I hear about missionaries that step off the plane and are "home." Not me, boy.

And I've felt really heavy because of that. I've felt guilty that I don't love it, don't even like it. In spending time with Jesus yesterday, though, I felt Him bring me so much freedom. Its ok that I don't love it. I can't force myself to. But that doesn't negate that Jesus is in it. I don't have to like it for it to be something He's using, something He's still working through.

I'm learning about contentment. Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I would bet that Paul would admit that he felt the pain of hunger, he felt the agony of being in need, but that didn't determine anything for him. His contentment had nothing to do with his feelings or situation. It had everything to do with Jesus. In the next verse, he reveals that his "secret of being content" is, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

So, maybe I'll go for six months and still not absolutely love this place. I may never thrive off of living in a house alone or working at a school. I may never enjoy Indian beef. (Let's be real, I most definitely will never enjoy Indian beef. haha)

However, I certainly can be content to stay here, to be content to let God finish the work He wants to do in me and through me. Because Jesus gives me strength. I can do anything through Him.