Awkward....or Maybe its Just Me

Something has officially majorly changed in me. I have several things I can attribute it to, but basically I feel like I finally had that deciding moment where I realized I've just got to get over it. I have to get over the fact that I'm going to have a lot of alone time here. I have to get over the fact that people will treat me like an Indian woman, not an American woman. Something in me has finally given in. I'm just resting in God, knowing He has a purpose here and is giving me grace to just seek Him and let Him do what He wants. I'm learning to go-with-the-flow, I guess you could say. And it is allowing me to truly enjoy things. This place has been a huge adjustment! Not that I still won't have my moments, I'm sure, but God really is giving me grace to see my situation and the people around me through a lens of cultural grace. I feel so much freedom in that.

Today I went to Pastor Banuel's granddaughter's first birthday party. I prayed before going that it would be good. Its so hard to tell about these kinds of things.

We arrive at the house and its packed with people. All family. I really wish someone had a video of my face initially. I smile at a few people coming in and sit down on a couch, hoping no one will really notice me.

The fist thing they do is bring out the cake and start taking pictures. My attitude is get as far away from the camera as possible. Who wants a random person in all of the family pictures? But they encourage me to squeeze in, right behind the mother and little girl. So much for avoiding the camera.

Next, several family members take turns feeding cake to the one-year-old. I'm trying really hard to blend in the background at this point. But there's just no chance I can do that. Not only am I the only person there who is not family, but I clearly stand out for other reasons, too. No way for the giant white girl to "blend in." They urge me to go feed her. I try to brush it off, saying someone else should, but they insist. So I awkwardly sit in the chair, feed Fiona, smile for a picture, and go back to my spot.

As the afternoon went on, several of the young girls begin crowding around me to talk. I think there are more English-speaking Indians around here than I think, but they're holding back on me. Several of them are very fluent; they're just shy. So we talk a lot. Eventually, several of the women come over and talk, too. They have the kids translate for the most part. Before I know it, I have them putting children in my lap to take photographs, they're asking me all kinds of questions, and several of the girls are inviting themselves to visit me in America. It was amazing.

A major thing I'm learning is these situations are only awkward to me. They think its really cool for me to come to their home and celebrate with them. They love for me to be in the photographs. This is part of the cultural lens I have to look through. What's awkward in the U.S., just isn't awkward here. And I'm starting to grasp that much more.

Pics and Videos

Finally have some pictures and videos on Facebook!

Future Hope

Where I'm living feels "primitive" compared to American life. And this is actually a wealthier part of India. Most people wash their clothes by hand, use wells for their water, boil the water so its safe to drink, for sure don't have air conditioning, take showers in cold water, and don't own a car. It just makes me think about how even a very average American, like me, who on no level has ever had a lot of money by American standards, can't begin to compare to how the large majority of the world lives. Its not even fair to try to compare our comfort and luxury.

However, I think its the "lack" and the struggle that causes India to be such a religious nation. Everyone here follows a religion, Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, Christianity. They need something bigger to live for, something to give them a future hope.

Israel in Jesus' time was poor, oppressed and hurting. They were longing for their Messiah. They ached for a deliverer from Roman rule and oppression. And He came. Jesus came for them. He offered them hope.

But He didn't come in the way they expected, which is why so many didn't recognize Him. He did physically restore people and looked after the poor. But He didn't crush the Romans. He didn't fix the problem, not in alignment with their temporal mindsets, anyway.

Jesus offered a future hope, an eternal salvation, a time and place where there is no death or suffering, no poverty, no need, no want. And no oppression. No injustice.

That future hope is very much needed now. We live in an oppressed, poverty-stricken world. To me, even being born an American feels like an injustice to the massive part of the world that lives in poverty. How is it fair?

I don't know why I was born in America. I don't know why I have hot showers and washing machines and a soft bed. I need Jesus to keep me constantly aware that I am accountable to sharing my wealth with the poor.

One thing I do know, though, is that Americans need the future hope that Jesus came to share with a poor, oppressed, and hurting Israel. Americans also need a future hope, an eternity without the pain of losing a newborn child, without the sting of loneliness, without the heartache of a shattered marriage.

Jesus came to seek and to save that which was lost. And Americans are just as lost as people who have nothing. Though our luxury and comfort and wealth can blind us, we are naked and poor and hungry. We have everything, but the one thing we need is Jesus. If God gives the "rich" vision to see past their wealth and comfort, we see that we are poor. Poor in spirit. And its the poor in spirit who inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. We need Jesus.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.' When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, 'Who then can be saved?' Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:23-26

Christmas Eve!

A couple days ago a truck drove by with huge speakers blaring, "Feliz Navidad," the star lanterns are hung around town and outside of homes, and Santa has already made a couple of appearances. Its officially Christmas in India. However, it doesn't feel like Christmas on any level to me. I'm sitting at the computer in shorts and a t'shirt with the doors open and the fan going, but I'm still sweating. There's no decorated tree in the living room. I won't be eating "traditional" Christmas dishes. And I won't be with my family. To me it just feels like a random Indian holiday that I'm observing without having any personal association to it.

Oh, wait. There is that part about Jesus. He's still very much in India even if the other elements of my typical Christmas are gone. Interesting that Christmas is ultimately about Him, but when you take away the other parts, it doesn't feel like Christmas.

We have an old home video of me and some of my relatives when we were children around Christmas-time. We're all going around the table saying what we're thankful for that Christmas. Every sibling and cousin says "Jesus" in some form or fashion. The camera gets to me and I say in my high-pitched Mississippi accent, "Presents."

I knew Christmas was about Jesus, but I was the only child in the group to admit what every other kid was thinking. The packages under the tree are a really fun part! I think I'm still that kid. What makes Christmas so fun and exciting is family and decorations and food and parties and gifts. And I bet Jesus is o.k. with that. He wants us to celebrate and enjoy this season. The Old Testament feasts and celebrations were all centered around God, but typically had an element of being a party.

What I love about this particular Christmas is the fact that I don't have cold weather, lights hung around a tree, or my family. It really has caused me to focus on Jesus, as well as gives me an opportunity to see how another culture celebrates His birth. So whether Santa fills a stocking for me tonight or not, Christmas will go on. And I'll celebrate it in a way where I'm more sincerely focused on Jesus than I have ever been on this holiday. Of course, I really do hope Santa comes to help me celebrate. :)

Chunks of Beef and Boiled Milk

Overall, I really enjoy Indian food. They use amazing blends of spices. I typically have no idea exactly what I'm eating, but I like it. There is, however, one thing that I just can't manage to get down. Indian beef. I think maybe the overall problem is Indians don't really eat beef, so they haven't perfected the art of cooking it. All I know is they chop up bite-sized pieces of meat and cook it in curry. And its usually really tough. I don't really eat much beef period. I like burgers here and there, but a hunk of meat typically isn't appealing to me, especially when its prepared the Indian way. But going back to cultural assumptions, they assume since I'm an American that I'm a meat lover. Therefore, I end up getting served chunks of beef.

I woke up two mornings ago with my stomach feeling funky. I decided it was fine and went on with the day. I ended up going shopping with a few people to buy Christmas gifts for the school's Christmas celebration. The outing had so much potential to be a cool experience. But I gradually started feeling worse as the day went. Pastor Banuel bought me lunch after the shopping excursion. Guess what it was? Beef. I have to laugh about it now, but at the time I was like, I seriously can't handle this right now. (I really don't want to offend them by telling them their food is gross to me! I'm a little at a loss of what to do at times!). Fortunately, I ended up eating in a room alone, so I just didn't eat any of it!

Then, after school one teacher invited me over. She got off the bus with me to show me the way to her house. I just couldn't say no, even though I wanting nothing more than to go home and lie down. Again, it had so much potential to be a great experience, seeing her home and family and neighbors, but I felt horrible the whole time.

She asked if I wanted some tea. Indian tea is so good. Always a safe option. I don't know why but her version of tea didn't have any tea in it. It was just boiled milk and water. It really wasn't that bad, but when your stomach is churning, its just not ideal. haha.

I spent the entire night soooo sick. At one point in the night I was like, "Jesus, I really need a break here. Emotionally I've been struggling and adding this physical part is too much for me." I felt way better the next morning, praise the Lord. He answers prayer.

Even though I was feeling better when I woke up, I couldn't help but pray, "God, I really don't want to be here. I just want to be around someone or something familiar right now."

I feel like God has brought me a long ways from when I first got here. Initially, I honestly didn't know if I could handle this for six months, emotionally especially. So I do feel like I've made great strides as far as being able to settle on the fact that I'm here for a good while. But I still don't really like being here. I want so badly to love this place, I want to love what I'm doing. I do love the people, I can't help but always love people. But I don't love the situation at all. I don't love what I'm doing or where I'm living. I hear about missionaries that step off the plane and are "home." Not me, boy.

And I've felt really heavy because of that. I've felt guilty that I don't love it, don't even like it. In spending time with Jesus yesterday, though, I felt Him bring me so much freedom. Its ok that I don't love it. I can't force myself to. But that doesn't negate that Jesus is in it. I don't have to like it for it to be something He's using, something He's still working through.

I'm learning about contentment. Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I would bet that Paul would admit that he felt the pain of hunger, he felt the agony of being in need, but that didn't determine anything for him. His contentment had nothing to do with his feelings or situation. It had everything to do with Jesus. In the next verse, he reveals that his "secret of being content" is, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

So, maybe I'll go for six months and still not absolutely love this place. I may never thrive off of living in a house alone or working at a school. I may never enjoy Indian beef. (Let's be real, I most definitely will never enjoy Indian beef. haha)

However, I certainly can be content to stay here, to be content to let God finish the work He wants to do in me and through me. Because Jesus gives me strength. I can do anything through Him.

The Big Picture

Going to the orphanage yesterday felt like a teaser. My heart is dying to spent every moment that I'm here with them. But circumstances (more on that in the future) just won't allow it. I found myself getting really frustrated over that yesterday. I'm in India, my heart longs to love on orphans, but I can't!

And I've been finding myself getting really worked up over the treatment of women here. When I went to the engagement the other day, all of the women were in a back room while the men went through the ceremony. The bride wasn't even allowed to come. And Pastor Banuel shared with me that he likes to laugh and have fun with the women at work because they're not really allowed to laugh at home.

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be extreme. Not dye-your-hair-blue extreme. Or jump-out-of-a-plane extreme (well, I probably would do that actually). But more of an all-or-nothing extreme. If I don't care about something, I really don't care about it. If I do care about something, I really care about it; I'll be highly opinionated and passionate about it. 100% all-in. Everything else, I seriously don't have an opinion or concern.

Probably the thing that gets me the most opinionated and passionate is injustice.

So clearly I've been getting really worked up about not being able to be at the orphanage when those kids need to be loved and about feeling completely helpless on how to help these women. I can't stand to see this injustice happening right before my eyes and do nothing about it.

Yesterday, I'm sitting in the car, trying to hold back tears (because I cry when I experience any emotion besides happiness. haha). And I'm seriously livid.

Then, in what felt like a bi-polar moment, God completely turned my whole attitude. He so clearly spoke to me about seeing a bigger picture. I suddenly realized that maybe spending several months with orphans wouldn't help change their lack of love in the long run. And there's no short-term fix to how women are treated. I felt like God whispered to me that He knows what He's doing with me. I need to let Him work. I caught a vision for these six months. Maybe its not just about how much I can accomplish in half-a-year. Maybe its more about what God wants to birth in me through this period of time. I'm seeing perspectives of Indian life that I wouldn't see if I was in a children's home the entire time. The last time I was in India, I didn't even notice the treatment of women. But I'm getting lots of chances to see it where I am.

Think about how many "good" opportunities Jesus passed up. He could have healed everyone in His entire nation, He could have been crowned King and delivered Israel from the oppression of the Romans. But He didn't. Not momentarily anyway. God had a bigger picture, a plan that expanded beyond Israel and the needs of the day. And Jesus followed that plan.

He largely focused on teaching and training 12 men who would spread Christianity after He left. And it worked. I'm a girl from America, sharing Jesus in India, because the message of Jesus spread eventually from Israel to the U.S.

Jesus gave up His life and was resurrected so that the entire world can be saved, not just one nation.

I may not specifically be doing what I want to do at the moment, but I have to strive to stay in tune with how God is leading me and know that He has a bigger purpose. He loves those kids and women with more extreme passion than I ever will. And He knows how to deliver them better than I ever will.

My Favorite

Today was hands-down my favorite day since I've been here. I usually don't just go through the events of the day, but its worth it for this one. :) I rode with P. Banuel 3 hours or so to the orphanage. We stopped on the way for breakfast. Since it was a place I've only been once before, everyone stared at me the whole time. Awkward... But the food was delicious anyway. haha. (Getting back to the U.S will be so strange to not stand out, but such a relief in a lot of ways. It kind of makes a person feel self-conscious after a while).

We arrived at the orphanage, P. Banuel dropped me off to go to a different church service, so I went to church with the kids.

We rode to church in a motorized rickshaw, which is the first time I've done that on this trip. You haven't experienced India if you haven't ridden in a motorized rickshaw.

The other services I've been to I've sat in a chair at the front because that's what they expect for guests. Today, we got there a little late. The lady I was with pointed for me to sit in the chair, but I took a chance of "offending" and pointed that I'd just sit on the ground with everyone else. I covered my head with my scarf like the other women, kneeled when everyone else did, had no clue what they were praying, but felt liberated to finally feel like one of them.

After the service, the home where the children live has a tiny keyboard, which they wanted me to play. So I got to touch a musical instrument after a month without one.

I made balloon creations for the kids. And I'm obsessed with those wonderful, beautiful children. There's one little girl that I'm keeping for sure.

On the ride home, a group of teenage boys were in the back of a produce truck and kept waving at me. I'm usually overly friendly to women and children, but take a pretty passive approach with men here. (I'm trying to avoid an arranged marriage). I wasn't really sure what to do in this situation. P. Banuel eventually flashed the car lights at them and said something about them needing to tone it down. Which they did. Clearly all of that was highly entertaining to me, which gave me the freedom to laugh and conservatively wave back.

I went to the grocery store with P.Banuel, which never happens. Usually someone just goes for me. (Cultural? Not sure). So that was exciting to actually go inside. (What a weird thing to be excited to go to a grocery store). I feel like it allows me to learn a little more about Indian way of life.

Just the other day I thought to myself how the two coolest animals in India are elephants and monkeys. Crossed the elephant off the list the other day. Left on the to-do list: spot a monkey on top of a building. After today: Check and check.

"Gee, I Love Technology"

I think every nationality has its stereotypes. Americans obviously are no exception. The more I'm in India, I'm realizing that the stereotype this area of India has about Americans is that we are all highly gifted to use electronics.

Anyone who knows me, I'm sure, will find this as ironic as I do that I am the American being framed with this stereotype.

Its not that I can't use electronics necessarily, its just that I really don't care about them, so I don't often choose to use them. I have a Walmart Gophone because I refuse to pay for a Smartphone. If I go to my parent's house and want to watch a DVD or use Netflix, I have to get my brother Jesse to help me. I'm always lost when using a Mac computer. And the electronics I do have such as a laptop and GPS system were given to me (I am for sure grateful for the GPS, though. It really helps with my amazing, or not-so-amazing, sense of direction).

A couple of days ago, I was in the office at the school with three teachers, the secretary, the principal and the headmaster. They needed to send a text message and handed the phone to me because no one knew how to do it. They didn't bother to ask if I knew how, they just figured I did. Amazingly sending a text is one skill I have acquired.

Today, P. Banuel comes in with a new iPhone. I don't think the majority of people here have even seen an iPhone. He handed it to me and asked me to put his contacts in it because he doesn't know how to use it. I literally started laughing when he walked off, as I was figuring out how to do it. I really didn't even know how. I realized its not too hard, though. Even if I don't already have experience on certain electronics, I guess I've had enough exposure to figure it out. haha.

All this to say, I've found myself being rather annoyed by this. Not annoyed that I don't know that much about electronic gadgets, but annoyed that I have to deal with it, I guess. Like I mentioned earlier, I really don't even care about this stuff when I'm in the U.S, much less when I'm doing missions in another country. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is spend time plugging numbers into a stupid iPhone.

As I was doing it, I could feel the Holy Spirit convicting me with that nudging deep inside. I was reminded of two things.

The first thing is a question from my good friend Dr. Nesbit. He once asked me, "If God wanted you to dig ditches for the rest of your life, would you do it for His Kingdom?" I don't really know how I answered him at the time, but the question has stuck with me for several years. I found myself thinking about that today. If I'm sending text messages out for a school in India, will I do it for His Kingdom? Good question. One that I'm still working through in my heart.

The second is a statement I heard from a pastor once. I can't remember who it was, but I've had it written on the inside cover of my Bible for a long time. "The greatest test of servanthood: How you respond when someone treats you like a servant." I feel like in all of these matters of technology that no one asks me if I'll do it, they just hand it over. Nor am I asked if I even want to do it. And I've had a really bad attitude inside about it. (I say inside because I cover it pretty well). I think I've been failing the test of servanthood.

Like I said, I could feel the Holy Spirit convicting me when I was working with the iPhone and for the rest of the day. They actually need my help with these type of things, whether I want to do them or not. My prayer, my deep prayer even when part of me doesn't want to pray it, is that God will help me to be faithful in all of these things, no matter how annoying or small. And that I truly will serve in any capacity with the kind of attitude that Jesus served with.

And when I get back home, I'm going to start looking for jobs in the IT field...

God of all Comfort

I've written a lot about dealing with difficult times, suffering, discipline. And I've had a lot of theological things to say about it, things that really have helped me process this season.

I received news last night (night in India, day in the U.S) that one of my dearest friends and her husband lost a two day old baby. I can think of one other time in my life where I have grieved and interceded for a friend the way I have for them. My heart is broken for them.

I realized something in praying for them yesterday and constantly today. When it comes to this kind of tragedy, it seems like none of the theological and philosophical ponderings even matter much. The prayer in times like this is not, "God, why would you allow them to go through this?" All you find yourself praying is, "God, help them to be able to go through this." Because He truly is the only one that can help them.

2 Corinthians 1:3, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort."

A Blessing through Balloons

I've been struggling to connect with the teachers. I feel like I can't read them. This part of India is really reserved, so they don't seem very warm. I always feel like I'm intruding when I come to their classrooms, so its made me feel timid on some level. Today was a breakthrough!

My Aunt Susan set me up with balloon art lessons before I came here. Its very clever because deflated balloons are super easy to travel with and enchanting to kids. So I attained the skill of making fun little animals and other objects before I came here. For the next two weeks, the kids take tests in the mornings and just study in the afternoon. I asked the principal if I could go to classrooms in the afternoon and make balloons. She said ok, but wanted me to make her some first. So I whipped out a monkey and a heart for her.

I started out with the kindergarten classes today. It wore my fingers out, but I managed to make balloons for probably 50 of them. The part that surprised me was how the teachers reacted. Several of them kept coming in and out of the classroom to ask me questions, teach me words in Tamil, comment about my "muku", which is nose in Tamil (for some reason Indians really like my nose. haha). I made balloons for several of them, and I think they liked them more than the kids. The principal even kept sending orders for more. I think I made her alone ten flowers. haha.

By the end of the day, I was pouring sweat, one teacher was fanning me, one was pumping the balloons, and one was using a balloon as a microphone as she sang a Tamil song. These are my kind of ladies, even if we don't communicate too well. I laughed so much. When I left a couple of them hugged me, which most definitely has not happened before now. I feel so much more connected and way more comfortable to drop by their classrooms. And of course I have like 20 more classrooms to hit-up, so hopefully things will continue to progress!

Update:

I have no clue why I blog about spiders so much, but here we go...

Last night there was another huge spider in my house, which I killed myself. I tried to hit it with a broom and it started scampering up the wall. I freaked out a little, but went for another swing. I smacked the mess out of it. That was an overcoming moment. :) I left it until the morning. When I woke up and went into the room, there were a bazillion ants moving it under the door to get it outside. Disgusting to me. A Christmas blessing for them.

Pinches and Sticks

Today the principal kept pinching students who made mistakes on their tests. Each teacher carries a stick that they whack tables and students with. I've seen a few smack students with a book. Clearly this form of discipline in school is difficult for me, coming from a culture that a teacher will get put in jail if they put a kid in time-out. :)

The kids started mid-terms a couple days ago. Today, I was in charge of signing papers and making sure that students weren't cheating. And the students I was in charge of were boys ages 6th to 10th grade. I started out kind of laughing to myself because I'm doing a terrible job of being like the other teachers. I walk around and can't help smile at the kids. I know I'm not intimidating in the least, and they know it, too. So I might as well just be fun and nice. Plus, the principal was very close by, so I knew the students wouldn't act up. She scares me, so I can't imagine the fear she puts in them. Today I scalded my tongue drinking tea because one of the ladies told me to go drink some, so I went to another room for a minute and left the students. But then I got nervous to leave the students in case the principal saw I wasn't doing my job, so I chugged it in order to get back to the kids.

As I processed all of this, I came to the conclusion that as a principal you kind of have to be scary. 800 kids can get really out of hand. I feel like pinching them over making a written mistake is a little much, but having to be tough makes sense. That is precisely why I have no intentions of ever being a school administrator.

However, by the end of the day, I had even more of a change of heart concerning disciplining these kids. I had the 1st graders for a period. How bad can it be? Thirty 6-year-olds for less than an hour. Oh, it was bad. The boys were absolutely out of control. I know good and well that kids push the limits to see what kind of boundaries you're gonna set. The issue I realized is me being stern with my voice did NOTHING. Part of that is probably because they don't understand me, haha, but part of that is they're used to physical discipline. One boy even taunted me to pinch him! I was starring at them, having no clue what to do. They were wrestling and hurting each other. I grabbed a few by the arm and told them to sit. That didn't last long. So, I resorted to the stick! I'm still shocked. I had to get it. There was no other option. I smacked the table a few times, but they still knew I wouldn't hit them. Or would I? I was having such inner turmoil!

I took a breathe, said a prayer, and whacked a couple of them. Well, more like tapped them; they probably hardly felt it because I really couldn't bring myself to put any force behind it. It did make them take me a little more seriously anyway. I was so relieved when the bell rang! These cultural differences are killing me.

In regards to my blog "24 Hours" which was about discipline, I've had some other thoughts. I've been wanting to write a second part to the blog, so consider this "Part B."

Here's the question in my mind: When we suffer, is God disciplining us because we did something wrong? Now, I clearly am not trying to be an apostolic authority on the matter or anything. This is my disclaimer that all of these are just my musings, not direct quotes from Jesus. (Well, the Biblical portions are for sure His).

When I was struggling last week, I said to God, "What did I do wrong? I don't understand why I'm being punished." In the long run, I think that's the wrong attitude. At the time it really helped to say that to Him, and I don't think He minded it, but regardless its bad theology. I felt like God was treating me like one of the students getting smacked with a book because I talked or cheated in class.

1 Peter 2:24, "He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." Jesus took our punishment for sin, so that we can be righteous. That's grace. So if we're under grace, then God has no reason to "punish" us because Jesus took our punishment. So there's no punishment for us for our sin if we've accepted Jesus' grace.

Why the discipline then?

We need to become mature. James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Even though we're forgiven for our sins, we still commit them, and God is looking to make us like Him, holy and perfect. Sometimes going through a difficult situation is the only way to get our attention. God is not "punishing" us in order to take away the mark of our sins. Jesus did that for us. But maybe God is attempting to redirect our behavior. God's discipline and punishment are two different things.

This part blows my mind. Hebrews 5:8 says, talking about Jesus, "Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him." Jesus learned obedience? He was made perfect through suffering? Verse 15 of the same chapter says He "was without sin." I don't fully understand this, but I do realize that if Jesus had to suffer to learn obedience and be made perfect, even though He didn't ever commit a sin, then I for sure need to suffer in order to be made perfect and learn obedience. I'm not being punished for anything I did. But I sure am being made into the image of God.

If all God did was wipe out the stain of our sins and leave us for the rest of our lives, I'm positive that we would become thirty 6-year-old Indians in a classroom, beating each other up and not listening to their substitute. And I know from experience, sometimes a stick is the only option.

Cleaning and Confusion

A woman came over to the house today to clean. The Banuel's son is getting engaged tomorrow, but their house is currently under construction, so they are having the get-together here at the guest house. Hence, why someone came to clean.

This actually helped solve a difficult problem I was having. I've been trying to figure out how to clean ever since I got here. Its a really big house, two stories, has around four or five bedrooms, three baths. They bought it so they can house mission's groups.

Honestly, it was disgusting to me when I first got here! Cobwebs everywhere, the floor had a layer of dust, the bathroom...well, its difficult to describe. I sort of cleaned the kitchen one day, the best I could anyway. And I swept the floors and a lot of cobwebs. My issue was not having cleaning supplies and not knowing what to do about that. Its been perplexing really.

So I clearly welcomed someone coming to clean, even though a big part of me felt kind of weird about it because I'm definitely game for doing it myself. Strangely I just didn't know how to clean with what I have to work with.

She walked through the door and with a big grin said a few things in Tamil. I had no idea what she said, but I started responding in English. After a few exchanges this way, we both just started hysterically laughing. I really like her.

She did some cleaning downstairs, and after a while I have this idea to bring her a snack. I've observed that Indians have tea a couple of times a day. I haven't learned the art of Indian tea, but I have these fizzy apple drinks, so I brought her one of those and some cookies. She tried to give them back to me. I tried to tell her, in English, that its for her. I grabbed a drink for myself to show her she could have the one she was holding. She laughed and started drinking it.

Our conversations throughout the day were priceless. She knows a few English words and I know a few Tamil words, so we awkwardly exchanged words and phrases, jumbling English and Tamil. And all of this was mixed with a ton of cracking up. I was bent over laughing at one point. Its just so awkward, a tad frustrating, but so funny at the same time.

When she came upstairs, she was trying to reach some cobwebs with a broom, but couldn't. Clearly the tall American could help, so I finally was able to give her a hand.

She asked me about not wearing a necklace, and I shrugged my shoulders. Then, she asked about my "kamal", earrings. This clearly didn't surprise me. I tend to get into conversations about jewelry a lot here. So I got a couple pairs to show her, and of course she wanted me to put them on. So I just smiled and complied.

Here's the tricky part. The bathroom. She went to clean one of the smaller bathrooms and at this point I decided that I can't stand it. Its just so disgusting, and she's so precious. I just can't let her do it. But she hiked up her Sari and started spraying it down. She used hand soap and her bare hand to clean the sink. Genius. And she used toilet bowl cleaner and an Indian broom for the floor. I guess I did have all of the cleaning supplies I needed.

So by this point I realized that I could indeed clean the bathroom after learning from her. I tried to tell her that I would do the other bathroom, the one I use. She of course would have none of that, so I went in with her and did the sink while she did the floor.

This whole process grossed me out. I never thought of myself as a germophobe really, but maybe I am. However, what bothered me more than the germs was this woman doing it for me. I found myself getting really confused.

These are the things about the whole experience that confused me:

She pointed out the amount of shoes I have in my room. She was amazed by the three pairs of sandals and one pair of running shoes. I'm sure she hand washes all of her clothes, while I even have a washer here in India! Let's be honest, as an American, I live the majority of my life in comfort and luxury. She doesn't. That just doesn't seem fair. It really felt weird to let her clean for me when I'm the one who has the "easier" life. But when we conversed, or attempted to converse, we both laughed with the same joy. We both talked about our families. We both enjoy life. On the other hand, we both deal with issues, probably not at all the same kind of issues, but issues regardless. And how to deal with those issues? Well, we both really, really need Jesus.

Where Elephants Roam

This morning before I went to school I happened to look out my window and saw a man walking an elephant down the road. An elephant was passing right in front of my house! I think I froze for a minute, then ran to the balcony to see him better. By then, he had almost passed the house already, so I ran downstairs and outside. I could only see his backside by this point, his huge backside. I wish so badly I could have gotten a picture!

I think I forget quite often how cool it is to get to spend time in such an exotic place, elephants treking down the road, palm trees surrounding me, gorgeous birds who perch on my window in the morning and wake me up (really annoying actually. haha), eating this fun fruit called jambakai. And my new favorite thing is to sit on my roof after its cooled off in the evenings to look at everything and to spend time with Jesus. Its so crazy! The house is two stories and there's an extra set of stairs that lead up to the roof, which is flat, so you can just chill up there. (Roof top party!) (Also it gives me a cool understanding of the kind of roof Peter was on in Acts 10).

I have felt for probably the past year or so God really tugging on me to go deeper with Him. I don't really know how to explain it, hopefully if you're reading this you can relate. Its just that I knew He wanted me to come higher, give up more to Him, get deeper in His presence, pray more, be intimate with Him.

I'm very energetic, don't sit still well, am driven and am super passionate. Part of me just fights taking time to rest in His presence, to go deeper with Him, to spend time in prayer wrestling for friends and family, to pray continuously. But I've been feeling that that is what He wants. And coming here has been the cure! I've been driven to Him. The other day when I had the 24 hour time set aside to seeking Him concerning how things have been going here, it ended up being life-changing. Part of me finally gave in to what He's been asking of me.

I still feel energetic, don't sit still well, am driven and am super passionate, but a part of my will that needed to be broken was broken. Its like I finally gave up, finally realized I need Him more than anything else. And that is how I'm able to rest. That's how I can sit still at His feet. That's how I'm constantly in prayer because I feel like I can't make it if I don't pray. I don't know that that could have happened had He not sent me here. And I pray that He'll continue to bring me to and keep me at that place. Part of me is scared to pray that because what I've had to walk through to get to that place is HARD! But I want to stay at this place with Him, so whatever it takes I'll walk through.

John 1:4, "In him was life, and that life was the light of me." Life is only in Him.

And so I find that the roof is an amazing spot to go to just "give in" and be with Jesus, find my life in my Savior. I choose to stop fighting my selfishness, climb to the roof, and just rest in Him. And hopefully I'll spot another elephant from up there. :)

I Can Get Away With It

The other day I was in a classroom and this student said to me, "You're really tall." And then not too long after that one of the student-teachers was looking at a picture I have from home and said, "You're really white!"

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much I try to look and act like an Indian, its just not gonna happen. I'm inches taller than most people here, even the men. And I'm the only person without dark skin for miles. So I might as well embrace the advantages of standing out.

I usually cringe to have to walk down the street here because everyone just stares at me. But I've decided to just stare back and greet them.

I asked one of the student teachers what their equivalent of "hello" is. She said they don't have one. She told me that they don't show much emotion, no excitement when they see each other. I've definitely NOT been fitting in with culture on that one! I smile and wave a lot. No one seems to mind that I do show emotion. I can get away with it because I'm tall and white. :)

Today I was in a classroom with 8 and 9 year olds. We were playing games and singing songs while the teachers were in a meeting. The students were getting really loud, cheering and jumping up and down. (I'm horrible at keeping control of them. haha). One of the teachers came in and smacked a desk with a stick and told them to keep it down. But she didn't get upset with me, just the kids. Then again, I can get away with it.

So I'm finding a new freedom in being different instead of feeling a bit self-conscious about it. And I'm realizing that its a lot of fun! I'll of course stay conscious of cultural "do's" and "don't". I definitely don't want to offend them. However, there are some things that I can't help being different in, so I'll just take advantage of those things.

By the way, two corrections I need to make for some past blogs. The people going house to house with a drum are indeed Christmas caroling. So they are singing about the birth of Christ. They just do it with a drum.

And the reason the woman who cleans at the school does not wear jewelry is not because of her caste or finances. It is because she is pentecostal. I just learned that today. Just wanted to clear that up.

24 Hours

Have I mentioned how trying being here has been?! I feel like I'll make some "progress" about how I'm feeling and then flip out again. We didn't have school today because of a Muslim holiday. Therefore, I dedicated 24 hours to Jesus. I just really needed to work out where my heart is with all of this. I felt my heart was closed off and hard towards God, towards the people around me, towards this whole situation. And clearly that makes me want to give up.

I learned a ton of things over the past 24 hours, even changed part of the way I viewed God.

"Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." Job 5:17, 18.

"...you will weep no more...Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more...when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wound he inflicted." Isaiah 30:19-26.

Isn't it strange that God inflicts wounds? He injures. I think ultimately that has been my struggle here. I know without a doubt that God sent me to India. He was very clear about that and clear about the amount of time to be here. Deep in me I know for me to leave early would be disobeying Him. But I was dealing with resenting Him in a way. Being upset that He would send me somewhere that is intentionally difficult for me. I never asked to come here! He told me to. So in a sense, He "inflicted this wound" by putting me in a tough situation.

But it can't end there. It should never end there in our minds. God puts us through difficult situations in order to discipline us. That means there is love behind it, purpose behind it, and therefore, ultimately hope behind it. If those things are not meant by His actions, then He is abusing us. And clearly that is not His purpose.

My issue was getting my eyes off of His love, forgetting that He does in fact heal and bind up the wounds. It blows my mind to look at the life of Paul. When God first called him, He said He must show Paul, "how much he must suffer for my name." (Acts 9:16). What kind of a calling is that?! And he sure did suffer. Stoning, imprisonments, beatings, shipwrecks...But God ultimately had an amazing purpose for Paul's life, a purpose that has greatly affected believers in Jesus even today.

So God does allow suffering, in fact He sometimes causes it in the form of discipline. But it NEVER ends there. There is always something bigger, something promising, something good and loving. Even if that "something" is never seen on this earth. There is an eternal blessing, an eternal reward.

So I've come to a place of fixing my eyes on Jesus again, knowing that He has and will continue to put me through hard situations for the rest of my life. But I can't look at the situations. I have to look at Him. And when I look at Him, I remember that He is a God of love. That He will deliver. He will heal. He will bind up the wound. And He is good.

Not Alone

I just need to write really quick about possibly one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had. I spent a good part of the day with Pastor Banuel's family, which always has a huge level of being awkward because its just difficult when the majority of the time they're speaking in a language I cannot understand! (Its challenging me to learn Tamil, though, that's for sure) So I get home from their house around 8:30 pm feeling kind of emotionally "blah" just because it was a little discouraging as far as connecting to them. Its just a slow process. The first thing I notice when I turn to walk upstairs is a HUGE spider! I'm not being dramatic here. It really was the size of a tarantula. I started bawling. Crying my eyes out. I told God that I was officially done. Its hard enough to be surrounded by people who I have trouble communicating with, but then I see this massive creature, and there's no one else here to kill it. I just couldn't take it. I told God that He has to let me go home. It didn't cross my mind to try to kill it. I literally would pass out if I got close to it. So I go upstairs and decide to ignore it. But of course the thought of it crawling around all night made me panic a little. (I legitimately have a fear of those guys). Then, suddenly it dawned on me that I could go back to P. Banuel's house and get someone to help me. Weird that it didn't cross my mind at first. I was telling God, "You made me come here all by myself. Its hard enough to be an extrovert and have to spend so much time by myself, but now there's this huge spider and there's no one here with me to kill it. I just can't take this anymore..." And then it was this nudge from the Lord that I'm not alone. Two houses down there is a family that I'm slowly, slowly connecting to. They love Jesus and are dedicated to serving Him. They're as much my family as any American believers. We just share a different language and culture.

So I traipsed back down to their house and Allen, their son, was just getting home! I told him about the problem, and he heroically came to kill it.

Its really interesting how much this situation changed my outlook on that family. I've had the mindset that I'm basically doing this alone with the support of everyone back home. But because of that stupid spider, who I'm sure God sent to teach me this (He works way out of the box haha), something in my heart concerning connecting to the Banuels completely changed. I realized I'm not doing this alone. They're here.

The Theology of Jewelry

The first thing the school principal says to me today is, "Your hair looks bad." Followed by, "Kamal?" Kamal is their word for earring, basically asking me why I wasn't wearing any. I know I blogged earlier about styling my hair to match this culture, as well as wearing earrings because they do. Well, I'm starting to get a little frustrated with the emphasis the women here put on the outward appearance.

As far as hair goes, I really am trying to "look the part," but apparently I didn't meet their expectations today. But as far as earrings, I intentionally didn't wear them today based on the fact that I knew I would get a reaction out of the women! It worked, but was a little more than I had bargained for, I think. The other day I shared 1 Peter 3:3,4 with some of the girls who are training to be teachers. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I don't really think that God counts it as a sin if women wear jewelry. I honestly think the message here is don't let your beauty be defined by your outward appearance, but your inner self. I tried to explain that to the girls; I'm not sure if that really went over well or not. I don't think its bad to wear jewelry or make-up or whatever. Its just being sure that your definition of beauty is not in that outward appearance. God made women to be physically beautiful and that should be celebrated. But maybe its getting a little too much emphasis in this situation.

So today I went without earrings to make a point that its not about whether you wear "kamal" or not. Its what's going on inside of your heart. It literally wore me out having to explain myself over and over throughout the day! But the positive part is they are all aware of 1 Peter 3 now. (These are Christian women by the way; if they were Hindu, I wouldn't hold them to this standard. But as women who follow Jesus, I feel like it doesn't hurt to challenge them with the Bible) :)

My feeling at the end of school today was confusion over whether to wear jewelry or not. haha. I can't believe this is such a big deal! There is one woman who cleans at the school who doesn't wear any jewelry at all. Today is the first day I noticed that. For her, I think it has something to do with her caste (basically social status here) and probably finances. She commented on me not wearing jewelry, which I really liked the comment coming from her because I want her to know its fine that she doesn't. She's just as beautiful as the other women.

I think my final conclusion after praying about it today is to continue to wear earrings, and every time a woman with whom I already shared 1 Peter 3 comments about it, I'll remind her that its about the heart, not the outside. I don't want them to feel like they shouldn't ever put emphasis on physical beauty. Its fun to feel pretty. So I'll prayerfully show them that you can wear jewelry but not consumed by it.

Yep, I literally am wrestling over the theology of wearing jewelry or not! And I pray that this will make them wrestle with it, too.