Awkward....or Maybe its Just Me

Something has officially majorly changed in me. I have several things I can attribute it to, but basically I feel like I finally had that deciding moment where I realized I've just got to get over it. I have to get over the fact that I'm going to have a lot of alone time here. I have to get over the fact that people will treat me like an Indian woman, not an American woman. Something in me has finally given in. I'm just resting in God, knowing He has a purpose here and is giving me grace to just seek Him and let Him do what He wants. I'm learning to go-with-the-flow, I guess you could say. And it is allowing me to truly enjoy things. This place has been a huge adjustment! Not that I still won't have my moments, I'm sure, but God really is giving me grace to see my situation and the people around me through a lens of cultural grace. I feel so much freedom in that.

Today I went to Pastor Banuel's granddaughter's first birthday party. I prayed before going that it would be good. Its so hard to tell about these kinds of things.

We arrive at the house and its packed with people. All family. I really wish someone had a video of my face initially. I smile at a few people coming in and sit down on a couch, hoping no one will really notice me.

The fist thing they do is bring out the cake and start taking pictures. My attitude is get as far away from the camera as possible. Who wants a random person in all of the family pictures? But they encourage me to squeeze in, right behind the mother and little girl. So much for avoiding the camera.

Next, several family members take turns feeding cake to the one-year-old. I'm trying really hard to blend in the background at this point. But there's just no chance I can do that. Not only am I the only person there who is not family, but I clearly stand out for other reasons, too. No way for the giant white girl to "blend in." They urge me to go feed her. I try to brush it off, saying someone else should, but they insist. So I awkwardly sit in the chair, feed Fiona, smile for a picture, and go back to my spot.

As the afternoon went on, several of the young girls begin crowding around me to talk. I think there are more English-speaking Indians around here than I think, but they're holding back on me. Several of them are very fluent; they're just shy. So we talk a lot. Eventually, several of the women come over and talk, too. They have the kids translate for the most part. Before I know it, I have them putting children in my lap to take photographs, they're asking me all kinds of questions, and several of the girls are inviting themselves to visit me in America. It was amazing.

A major thing I'm learning is these situations are only awkward to me. They think its really cool for me to come to their home and celebrate with them. They love for me to be in the photographs. This is part of the cultural lens I have to look through. What's awkward in the U.S., just isn't awkward here. And I'm starting to grasp that much more.

Pics and Videos

Finally have some pictures and videos on Facebook!

Future Hope

Where I'm living feels "primitive" compared to American life. And this is actually a wealthier part of India. Most people wash their clothes by hand, use wells for their water, boil the water so its safe to drink, for sure don't have air conditioning, take showers in cold water, and don't own a car. It just makes me think about how even a very average American, like me, who on no level has ever had a lot of money by American standards, can't begin to compare to how the large majority of the world lives. Its not even fair to try to compare our comfort and luxury.

However, I think its the "lack" and the struggle that causes India to be such a religious nation. Everyone here follows a religion, Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, Christianity. They need something bigger to live for, something to give them a future hope.

Israel in Jesus' time was poor, oppressed and hurting. They were longing for their Messiah. They ached for a deliverer from Roman rule and oppression. And He came. Jesus came for them. He offered them hope.

But He didn't come in the way they expected, which is why so many didn't recognize Him. He did physically restore people and looked after the poor. But He didn't crush the Romans. He didn't fix the problem, not in alignment with their temporal mindsets, anyway.

Jesus offered a future hope, an eternal salvation, a time and place where there is no death or suffering, no poverty, no need, no want. And no oppression. No injustice.

That future hope is very much needed now. We live in an oppressed, poverty-stricken world. To me, even being born an American feels like an injustice to the massive part of the world that lives in poverty. How is it fair?

I don't know why I was born in America. I don't know why I have hot showers and washing machines and a soft bed. I need Jesus to keep me constantly aware that I am accountable to sharing my wealth with the poor.

One thing I do know, though, is that Americans need the future hope that Jesus came to share with a poor, oppressed, and hurting Israel. Americans also need a future hope, an eternity without the pain of losing a newborn child, without the sting of loneliness, without the heartache of a shattered marriage.

Jesus came to seek and to save that which was lost. And Americans are just as lost as people who have nothing. Though our luxury and comfort and wealth can blind us, we are naked and poor and hungry. We have everything, but the one thing we need is Jesus. If God gives the "rich" vision to see past their wealth and comfort, we see that we are poor. Poor in spirit. And its the poor in spirit who inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. We need Jesus.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.' When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, 'Who then can be saved?' Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:23-26

Christmas Eve!

A couple days ago a truck drove by with huge speakers blaring, "Feliz Navidad," the star lanterns are hung around town and outside of homes, and Santa has already made a couple of appearances. Its officially Christmas in India. However, it doesn't feel like Christmas on any level to me. I'm sitting at the computer in shorts and a t'shirt with the doors open and the fan going, but I'm still sweating. There's no decorated tree in the living room. I won't be eating "traditional" Christmas dishes. And I won't be with my family. To me it just feels like a random Indian holiday that I'm observing without having any personal association to it.

Oh, wait. There is that part about Jesus. He's still very much in India even if the other elements of my typical Christmas are gone. Interesting that Christmas is ultimately about Him, but when you take away the other parts, it doesn't feel like Christmas.

We have an old home video of me and some of my relatives when we were children around Christmas-time. We're all going around the table saying what we're thankful for that Christmas. Every sibling and cousin says "Jesus" in some form or fashion. The camera gets to me and I say in my high-pitched Mississippi accent, "Presents."

I knew Christmas was about Jesus, but I was the only child in the group to admit what every other kid was thinking. The packages under the tree are a really fun part! I think I'm still that kid. What makes Christmas so fun and exciting is family and decorations and food and parties and gifts. And I bet Jesus is o.k. with that. He wants us to celebrate and enjoy this season. The Old Testament feasts and celebrations were all centered around God, but typically had an element of being a party.

What I love about this particular Christmas is the fact that I don't have cold weather, lights hung around a tree, or my family. It really has caused me to focus on Jesus, as well as gives me an opportunity to see how another culture celebrates His birth. So whether Santa fills a stocking for me tonight or not, Christmas will go on. And I'll celebrate it in a way where I'm more sincerely focused on Jesus than I have ever been on this holiday. Of course, I really do hope Santa comes to help me celebrate. :)

Chunks of Beef and Boiled Milk

Overall, I really enjoy Indian food. They use amazing blends of spices. I typically have no idea exactly what I'm eating, but I like it. There is, however, one thing that I just can't manage to get down. Indian beef. I think maybe the overall problem is Indians don't really eat beef, so they haven't perfected the art of cooking it. All I know is they chop up bite-sized pieces of meat and cook it in curry. And its usually really tough. I don't really eat much beef period. I like burgers here and there, but a hunk of meat typically isn't appealing to me, especially when its prepared the Indian way. But going back to cultural assumptions, they assume since I'm an American that I'm a meat lover. Therefore, I end up getting served chunks of beef.

I woke up two mornings ago with my stomach feeling funky. I decided it was fine and went on with the day. I ended up going shopping with a few people to buy Christmas gifts for the school's Christmas celebration. The outing had so much potential to be a cool experience. But I gradually started feeling worse as the day went. Pastor Banuel bought me lunch after the shopping excursion. Guess what it was? Beef. I have to laugh about it now, but at the time I was like, I seriously can't handle this right now. (I really don't want to offend them by telling them their food is gross to me! I'm a little at a loss of what to do at times!). Fortunately, I ended up eating in a room alone, so I just didn't eat any of it!

Then, after school one teacher invited me over. She got off the bus with me to show me the way to her house. I just couldn't say no, even though I wanting nothing more than to go home and lie down. Again, it had so much potential to be a great experience, seeing her home and family and neighbors, but I felt horrible the whole time.

She asked if I wanted some tea. Indian tea is so good. Always a safe option. I don't know why but her version of tea didn't have any tea in it. It was just boiled milk and water. It really wasn't that bad, but when your stomach is churning, its just not ideal. haha.

I spent the entire night soooo sick. At one point in the night I was like, "Jesus, I really need a break here. Emotionally I've been struggling and adding this physical part is too much for me." I felt way better the next morning, praise the Lord. He answers prayer.

Even though I was feeling better when I woke up, I couldn't help but pray, "God, I really don't want to be here. I just want to be around someone or something familiar right now."

I feel like God has brought me a long ways from when I first got here. Initially, I honestly didn't know if I could handle this for six months, emotionally especially. So I do feel like I've made great strides as far as being able to settle on the fact that I'm here for a good while. But I still don't really like being here. I want so badly to love this place, I want to love what I'm doing. I do love the people, I can't help but always love people. But I don't love the situation at all. I don't love what I'm doing or where I'm living. I hear about missionaries that step off the plane and are "home." Not me, boy.

And I've felt really heavy because of that. I've felt guilty that I don't love it, don't even like it. In spending time with Jesus yesterday, though, I felt Him bring me so much freedom. Its ok that I don't love it. I can't force myself to. But that doesn't negate that Jesus is in it. I don't have to like it for it to be something He's using, something He's still working through.

I'm learning about contentment. Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I would bet that Paul would admit that he felt the pain of hunger, he felt the agony of being in need, but that didn't determine anything for him. His contentment had nothing to do with his feelings or situation. It had everything to do with Jesus. In the next verse, he reveals that his "secret of being content" is, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

So, maybe I'll go for six months and still not absolutely love this place. I may never thrive off of living in a house alone or working at a school. I may never enjoy Indian beef. (Let's be real, I most definitely will never enjoy Indian beef. haha)

However, I certainly can be content to stay here, to be content to let God finish the work He wants to do in me and through me. Because Jesus gives me strength. I can do anything through Him.

The Big Picture

Going to the orphanage yesterday felt like a teaser. My heart is dying to spent every moment that I'm here with them. But circumstances (more on that in the future) just won't allow it. I found myself getting really frustrated over that yesterday. I'm in India, my heart longs to love on orphans, but I can't!

And I've been finding myself getting really worked up over the treatment of women here. When I went to the engagement the other day, all of the women were in a back room while the men went through the ceremony. The bride wasn't even allowed to come. And Pastor Banuel shared with me that he likes to laugh and have fun with the women at work because they're not really allowed to laugh at home.

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be extreme. Not dye-your-hair-blue extreme. Or jump-out-of-a-plane extreme (well, I probably would do that actually). But more of an all-or-nothing extreme. If I don't care about something, I really don't care about it. If I do care about something, I really care about it; I'll be highly opinionated and passionate about it. 100% all-in. Everything else, I seriously don't have an opinion or concern.

Probably the thing that gets me the most opinionated and passionate is injustice.

So clearly I've been getting really worked up about not being able to be at the orphanage when those kids need to be loved and about feeling completely helpless on how to help these women. I can't stand to see this injustice happening right before my eyes and do nothing about it.

Yesterday, I'm sitting in the car, trying to hold back tears (because I cry when I experience any emotion besides happiness. haha). And I'm seriously livid.

Then, in what felt like a bi-polar moment, God completely turned my whole attitude. He so clearly spoke to me about seeing a bigger picture. I suddenly realized that maybe spending several months with orphans wouldn't help change their lack of love in the long run. And there's no short-term fix to how women are treated. I felt like God whispered to me that He knows what He's doing with me. I need to let Him work. I caught a vision for these six months. Maybe its not just about how much I can accomplish in half-a-year. Maybe its more about what God wants to birth in me through this period of time. I'm seeing perspectives of Indian life that I wouldn't see if I was in a children's home the entire time. The last time I was in India, I didn't even notice the treatment of women. But I'm getting lots of chances to see it where I am.

Think about how many "good" opportunities Jesus passed up. He could have healed everyone in His entire nation, He could have been crowned King and delivered Israel from the oppression of the Romans. But He didn't. Not momentarily anyway. God had a bigger picture, a plan that expanded beyond Israel and the needs of the day. And Jesus followed that plan.

He largely focused on teaching and training 12 men who would spread Christianity after He left. And it worked. I'm a girl from America, sharing Jesus in India, because the message of Jesus spread eventually from Israel to the U.S.

Jesus gave up His life and was resurrected so that the entire world can be saved, not just one nation.

I may not specifically be doing what I want to do at the moment, but I have to strive to stay in tune with how God is leading me and know that He has a bigger purpose. He loves those kids and women with more extreme passion than I ever will. And He knows how to deliver them better than I ever will.

My Favorite

Today was hands-down my favorite day since I've been here. I usually don't just go through the events of the day, but its worth it for this one. :) I rode with P. Banuel 3 hours or so to the orphanage. We stopped on the way for breakfast. Since it was a place I've only been once before, everyone stared at me the whole time. Awkward... But the food was delicious anyway. haha. (Getting back to the U.S will be so strange to not stand out, but such a relief in a lot of ways. It kind of makes a person feel self-conscious after a while).

We arrived at the orphanage, P. Banuel dropped me off to go to a different church service, so I went to church with the kids.

We rode to church in a motorized rickshaw, which is the first time I've done that on this trip. You haven't experienced India if you haven't ridden in a motorized rickshaw.

The other services I've been to I've sat in a chair at the front because that's what they expect for guests. Today, we got there a little late. The lady I was with pointed for me to sit in the chair, but I took a chance of "offending" and pointed that I'd just sit on the ground with everyone else. I covered my head with my scarf like the other women, kneeled when everyone else did, had no clue what they were praying, but felt liberated to finally feel like one of them.

After the service, the home where the children live has a tiny keyboard, which they wanted me to play. So I got to touch a musical instrument after a month without one.

I made balloon creations for the kids. And I'm obsessed with those wonderful, beautiful children. There's one little girl that I'm keeping for sure.

On the ride home, a group of teenage boys were in the back of a produce truck and kept waving at me. I'm usually overly friendly to women and children, but take a pretty passive approach with men here. (I'm trying to avoid an arranged marriage). I wasn't really sure what to do in this situation. P. Banuel eventually flashed the car lights at them and said something about them needing to tone it down. Which they did. Clearly all of that was highly entertaining to me, which gave me the freedom to laugh and conservatively wave back.

I went to the grocery store with P.Banuel, which never happens. Usually someone just goes for me. (Cultural? Not sure). So that was exciting to actually go inside. (What a weird thing to be excited to go to a grocery store). I feel like it allows me to learn a little more about Indian way of life.

Just the other day I thought to myself how the two coolest animals in India are elephants and monkeys. Crossed the elephant off the list the other day. Left on the to-do list: spot a monkey on top of a building. After today: Check and check.

"Gee, I Love Technology"

I think every nationality has its stereotypes. Americans obviously are no exception. The more I'm in India, I'm realizing that the stereotype this area of India has about Americans is that we are all highly gifted to use electronics.

Anyone who knows me, I'm sure, will find this as ironic as I do that I am the American being framed with this stereotype.

Its not that I can't use electronics necessarily, its just that I really don't care about them, so I don't often choose to use them. I have a Walmart Gophone because I refuse to pay for a Smartphone. If I go to my parent's house and want to watch a DVD or use Netflix, I have to get my brother Jesse to help me. I'm always lost when using a Mac computer. And the electronics I do have such as a laptop and GPS system were given to me (I am for sure grateful for the GPS, though. It really helps with my amazing, or not-so-amazing, sense of direction).

A couple of days ago, I was in the office at the school with three teachers, the secretary, the principal and the headmaster. They needed to send a text message and handed the phone to me because no one knew how to do it. They didn't bother to ask if I knew how, they just figured I did. Amazingly sending a text is one skill I have acquired.

Today, P. Banuel comes in with a new iPhone. I don't think the majority of people here have even seen an iPhone. He handed it to me and asked me to put his contacts in it because he doesn't know how to use it. I literally started laughing when he walked off, as I was figuring out how to do it. I really didn't even know how. I realized its not too hard, though. Even if I don't already have experience on certain electronics, I guess I've had enough exposure to figure it out. haha.

All this to say, I've found myself being rather annoyed by this. Not annoyed that I don't know that much about electronic gadgets, but annoyed that I have to deal with it, I guess. Like I mentioned earlier, I really don't even care about this stuff when I'm in the U.S, much less when I'm doing missions in another country. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is spend time plugging numbers into a stupid iPhone.

As I was doing it, I could feel the Holy Spirit convicting me with that nudging deep inside. I was reminded of two things.

The first thing is a question from my good friend Dr. Nesbit. He once asked me, "If God wanted you to dig ditches for the rest of your life, would you do it for His Kingdom?" I don't really know how I answered him at the time, but the question has stuck with me for several years. I found myself thinking about that today. If I'm sending text messages out for a school in India, will I do it for His Kingdom? Good question. One that I'm still working through in my heart.

The second is a statement I heard from a pastor once. I can't remember who it was, but I've had it written on the inside cover of my Bible for a long time. "The greatest test of servanthood: How you respond when someone treats you like a servant." I feel like in all of these matters of technology that no one asks me if I'll do it, they just hand it over. Nor am I asked if I even want to do it. And I've had a really bad attitude inside about it. (I say inside because I cover it pretty well). I think I've been failing the test of servanthood.

Like I said, I could feel the Holy Spirit convicting me when I was working with the iPhone and for the rest of the day. They actually need my help with these type of things, whether I want to do them or not. My prayer, my deep prayer even when part of me doesn't want to pray it, is that God will help me to be faithful in all of these things, no matter how annoying or small. And that I truly will serve in any capacity with the kind of attitude that Jesus served with.

And when I get back home, I'm going to start looking for jobs in the IT field...

God of all Comfort

I've written a lot about dealing with difficult times, suffering, discipline. And I've had a lot of theological things to say about it, things that really have helped me process this season.

I received news last night (night in India, day in the U.S) that one of my dearest friends and her husband lost a two day old baby. I can think of one other time in my life where I have grieved and interceded for a friend the way I have for them. My heart is broken for them.

I realized something in praying for them yesterday and constantly today. When it comes to this kind of tragedy, it seems like none of the theological and philosophical ponderings even matter much. The prayer in times like this is not, "God, why would you allow them to go through this?" All you find yourself praying is, "God, help them to be able to go through this." Because He truly is the only one that can help them.

2 Corinthians 1:3, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort."

A Blessing through Balloons

I've been struggling to connect with the teachers. I feel like I can't read them. This part of India is really reserved, so they don't seem very warm. I always feel like I'm intruding when I come to their classrooms, so its made me feel timid on some level. Today was a breakthrough!

My Aunt Susan set me up with balloon art lessons before I came here. Its very clever because deflated balloons are super easy to travel with and enchanting to kids. So I attained the skill of making fun little animals and other objects before I came here. For the next two weeks, the kids take tests in the mornings and just study in the afternoon. I asked the principal if I could go to classrooms in the afternoon and make balloons. She said ok, but wanted me to make her some first. So I whipped out a monkey and a heart for her.

I started out with the kindergarten classes today. It wore my fingers out, but I managed to make balloons for probably 50 of them. The part that surprised me was how the teachers reacted. Several of them kept coming in and out of the classroom to ask me questions, teach me words in Tamil, comment about my "muku", which is nose in Tamil (for some reason Indians really like my nose. haha). I made balloons for several of them, and I think they liked them more than the kids. The principal even kept sending orders for more. I think I made her alone ten flowers. haha.

By the end of the day, I was pouring sweat, one teacher was fanning me, one was pumping the balloons, and one was using a balloon as a microphone as she sang a Tamil song. These are my kind of ladies, even if we don't communicate too well. I laughed so much. When I left a couple of them hugged me, which most definitely has not happened before now. I feel so much more connected and way more comfortable to drop by their classrooms. And of course I have like 20 more classrooms to hit-up, so hopefully things will continue to progress!

Update:

I have no clue why I blog about spiders so much, but here we go...

Last night there was another huge spider in my house, which I killed myself. I tried to hit it with a broom and it started scampering up the wall. I freaked out a little, but went for another swing. I smacked the mess out of it. That was an overcoming moment. :) I left it until the morning. When I woke up and went into the room, there were a bazillion ants moving it under the door to get it outside. Disgusting to me. A Christmas blessing for them.

Pinches and Sticks

Today the principal kept pinching students who made mistakes on their tests. Each teacher carries a stick that they whack tables and students with. I've seen a few smack students with a book. Clearly this form of discipline in school is difficult for me, coming from a culture that a teacher will get put in jail if they put a kid in time-out. :)

The kids started mid-terms a couple days ago. Today, I was in charge of signing papers and making sure that students weren't cheating. And the students I was in charge of were boys ages 6th to 10th grade. I started out kind of laughing to myself because I'm doing a terrible job of being like the other teachers. I walk around and can't help smile at the kids. I know I'm not intimidating in the least, and they know it, too. So I might as well just be fun and nice. Plus, the principal was very close by, so I knew the students wouldn't act up. She scares me, so I can't imagine the fear she puts in them. Today I scalded my tongue drinking tea because one of the ladies told me to go drink some, so I went to another room for a minute and left the students. But then I got nervous to leave the students in case the principal saw I wasn't doing my job, so I chugged it in order to get back to the kids.

As I processed all of this, I came to the conclusion that as a principal you kind of have to be scary. 800 kids can get really out of hand. I feel like pinching them over making a written mistake is a little much, but having to be tough makes sense. That is precisely why I have no intentions of ever being a school administrator.

However, by the end of the day, I had even more of a change of heart concerning disciplining these kids. I had the 1st graders for a period. How bad can it be? Thirty 6-year-olds for less than an hour. Oh, it was bad. The boys were absolutely out of control. I know good and well that kids push the limits to see what kind of boundaries you're gonna set. The issue I realized is me being stern with my voice did NOTHING. Part of that is probably because they don't understand me, haha, but part of that is they're used to physical discipline. One boy even taunted me to pinch him! I was starring at them, having no clue what to do. They were wrestling and hurting each other. I grabbed a few by the arm and told them to sit. That didn't last long. So, I resorted to the stick! I'm still shocked. I had to get it. There was no other option. I smacked the table a few times, but they still knew I wouldn't hit them. Or would I? I was having such inner turmoil!

I took a breathe, said a prayer, and whacked a couple of them. Well, more like tapped them; they probably hardly felt it because I really couldn't bring myself to put any force behind it. It did make them take me a little more seriously anyway. I was so relieved when the bell rang! These cultural differences are killing me.

In regards to my blog "24 Hours" which was about discipline, I've had some other thoughts. I've been wanting to write a second part to the blog, so consider this "Part B."

Here's the question in my mind: When we suffer, is God disciplining us because we did something wrong? Now, I clearly am not trying to be an apostolic authority on the matter or anything. This is my disclaimer that all of these are just my musings, not direct quotes from Jesus. (Well, the Biblical portions are for sure His).

When I was struggling last week, I said to God, "What did I do wrong? I don't understand why I'm being punished." In the long run, I think that's the wrong attitude. At the time it really helped to say that to Him, and I don't think He minded it, but regardless its bad theology. I felt like God was treating me like one of the students getting smacked with a book because I talked or cheated in class.

1 Peter 2:24, "He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." Jesus took our punishment for sin, so that we can be righteous. That's grace. So if we're under grace, then God has no reason to "punish" us because Jesus took our punishment. So there's no punishment for us for our sin if we've accepted Jesus' grace.

Why the discipline then?

We need to become mature. James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Even though we're forgiven for our sins, we still commit them, and God is looking to make us like Him, holy and perfect. Sometimes going through a difficult situation is the only way to get our attention. God is not "punishing" us in order to take away the mark of our sins. Jesus did that for us. But maybe God is attempting to redirect our behavior. God's discipline and punishment are two different things.

This part blows my mind. Hebrews 5:8 says, talking about Jesus, "Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him." Jesus learned obedience? He was made perfect through suffering? Verse 15 of the same chapter says He "was without sin." I don't fully understand this, but I do realize that if Jesus had to suffer to learn obedience and be made perfect, even though He didn't ever commit a sin, then I for sure need to suffer in order to be made perfect and learn obedience. I'm not being punished for anything I did. But I sure am being made into the image of God.

If all God did was wipe out the stain of our sins and leave us for the rest of our lives, I'm positive that we would become thirty 6-year-old Indians in a classroom, beating each other up and not listening to their substitute. And I know from experience, sometimes a stick is the only option.

Cleaning and Confusion

A woman came over to the house today to clean. The Banuel's son is getting engaged tomorrow, but their house is currently under construction, so they are having the get-together here at the guest house. Hence, why someone came to clean.

This actually helped solve a difficult problem I was having. I've been trying to figure out how to clean ever since I got here. Its a really big house, two stories, has around four or five bedrooms, three baths. They bought it so they can house mission's groups.

Honestly, it was disgusting to me when I first got here! Cobwebs everywhere, the floor had a layer of dust, the bathroom...well, its difficult to describe. I sort of cleaned the kitchen one day, the best I could anyway. And I swept the floors and a lot of cobwebs. My issue was not having cleaning supplies and not knowing what to do about that. Its been perplexing really.

So I clearly welcomed someone coming to clean, even though a big part of me felt kind of weird about it because I'm definitely game for doing it myself. Strangely I just didn't know how to clean with what I have to work with.

She walked through the door and with a big grin said a few things in Tamil. I had no idea what she said, but I started responding in English. After a few exchanges this way, we both just started hysterically laughing. I really like her.

She did some cleaning downstairs, and after a while I have this idea to bring her a snack. I've observed that Indians have tea a couple of times a day. I haven't learned the art of Indian tea, but I have these fizzy apple drinks, so I brought her one of those and some cookies. She tried to give them back to me. I tried to tell her, in English, that its for her. I grabbed a drink for myself to show her she could have the one she was holding. She laughed and started drinking it.

Our conversations throughout the day were priceless. She knows a few English words and I know a few Tamil words, so we awkwardly exchanged words and phrases, jumbling English and Tamil. And all of this was mixed with a ton of cracking up. I was bent over laughing at one point. Its just so awkward, a tad frustrating, but so funny at the same time.

When she came upstairs, she was trying to reach some cobwebs with a broom, but couldn't. Clearly the tall American could help, so I finally was able to give her a hand.

She asked me about not wearing a necklace, and I shrugged my shoulders. Then, she asked about my "kamal", earrings. This clearly didn't surprise me. I tend to get into conversations about jewelry a lot here. So I got a couple pairs to show her, and of course she wanted me to put them on. So I just smiled and complied.

Here's the tricky part. The bathroom. She went to clean one of the smaller bathrooms and at this point I decided that I can't stand it. Its just so disgusting, and she's so precious. I just can't let her do it. But she hiked up her Sari and started spraying it down. She used hand soap and her bare hand to clean the sink. Genius. And she used toilet bowl cleaner and an Indian broom for the floor. I guess I did have all of the cleaning supplies I needed.

So by this point I realized that I could indeed clean the bathroom after learning from her. I tried to tell her that I would do the other bathroom, the one I use. She of course would have none of that, so I went in with her and did the sink while she did the floor.

This whole process grossed me out. I never thought of myself as a germophobe really, but maybe I am. However, what bothered me more than the germs was this woman doing it for me. I found myself getting really confused.

These are the things about the whole experience that confused me:

She pointed out the amount of shoes I have in my room. She was amazed by the three pairs of sandals and one pair of running shoes. I'm sure she hand washes all of her clothes, while I even have a washer here in India! Let's be honest, as an American, I live the majority of my life in comfort and luxury. She doesn't. That just doesn't seem fair. It really felt weird to let her clean for me when I'm the one who has the "easier" life. But when we conversed, or attempted to converse, we both laughed with the same joy. We both talked about our families. We both enjoy life. On the other hand, we both deal with issues, probably not at all the same kind of issues, but issues regardless. And how to deal with those issues? Well, we both really, really need Jesus.

Where Elephants Roam

This morning before I went to school I happened to look out my window and saw a man walking an elephant down the road. An elephant was passing right in front of my house! I think I froze for a minute, then ran to the balcony to see him better. By then, he had almost passed the house already, so I ran downstairs and outside. I could only see his backside by this point, his huge backside. I wish so badly I could have gotten a picture!

I think I forget quite often how cool it is to get to spend time in such an exotic place, elephants treking down the road, palm trees surrounding me, gorgeous birds who perch on my window in the morning and wake me up (really annoying actually. haha), eating this fun fruit called jambakai. And my new favorite thing is to sit on my roof after its cooled off in the evenings to look at everything and to spend time with Jesus. Its so crazy! The house is two stories and there's an extra set of stairs that lead up to the roof, which is flat, so you can just chill up there. (Roof top party!) (Also it gives me a cool understanding of the kind of roof Peter was on in Acts 10).

I have felt for probably the past year or so God really tugging on me to go deeper with Him. I don't really know how to explain it, hopefully if you're reading this you can relate. Its just that I knew He wanted me to come higher, give up more to Him, get deeper in His presence, pray more, be intimate with Him.

I'm very energetic, don't sit still well, am driven and am super passionate. Part of me just fights taking time to rest in His presence, to go deeper with Him, to spend time in prayer wrestling for friends and family, to pray continuously. But I've been feeling that that is what He wants. And coming here has been the cure! I've been driven to Him. The other day when I had the 24 hour time set aside to seeking Him concerning how things have been going here, it ended up being life-changing. Part of me finally gave in to what He's been asking of me.

I still feel energetic, don't sit still well, am driven and am super passionate, but a part of my will that needed to be broken was broken. Its like I finally gave up, finally realized I need Him more than anything else. And that is how I'm able to rest. That's how I can sit still at His feet. That's how I'm constantly in prayer because I feel like I can't make it if I don't pray. I don't know that that could have happened had He not sent me here. And I pray that He'll continue to bring me to and keep me at that place. Part of me is scared to pray that because what I've had to walk through to get to that place is HARD! But I want to stay at this place with Him, so whatever it takes I'll walk through.

John 1:4, "In him was life, and that life was the light of me." Life is only in Him.

And so I find that the roof is an amazing spot to go to just "give in" and be with Jesus, find my life in my Savior. I choose to stop fighting my selfishness, climb to the roof, and just rest in Him. And hopefully I'll spot another elephant from up there. :)

I Can Get Away With It

The other day I was in a classroom and this student said to me, "You're really tall." And then not too long after that one of the student-teachers was looking at a picture I have from home and said, "You're really white!"

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much I try to look and act like an Indian, its just not gonna happen. I'm inches taller than most people here, even the men. And I'm the only person without dark skin for miles. So I might as well embrace the advantages of standing out.

I usually cringe to have to walk down the street here because everyone just stares at me. But I've decided to just stare back and greet them.

I asked one of the student teachers what their equivalent of "hello" is. She said they don't have one. She told me that they don't show much emotion, no excitement when they see each other. I've definitely NOT been fitting in with culture on that one! I smile and wave a lot. No one seems to mind that I do show emotion. I can get away with it because I'm tall and white. :)

Today I was in a classroom with 8 and 9 year olds. We were playing games and singing songs while the teachers were in a meeting. The students were getting really loud, cheering and jumping up and down. (I'm horrible at keeping control of them. haha). One of the teachers came in and smacked a desk with a stick and told them to keep it down. But she didn't get upset with me, just the kids. Then again, I can get away with it.

So I'm finding a new freedom in being different instead of feeling a bit self-conscious about it. And I'm realizing that its a lot of fun! I'll of course stay conscious of cultural "do's" and "don't". I definitely don't want to offend them. However, there are some things that I can't help being different in, so I'll just take advantage of those things.

By the way, two corrections I need to make for some past blogs. The people going house to house with a drum are indeed Christmas caroling. So they are singing about the birth of Christ. They just do it with a drum.

And the reason the woman who cleans at the school does not wear jewelry is not because of her caste or finances. It is because she is pentecostal. I just learned that today. Just wanted to clear that up.

24 Hours

Have I mentioned how trying being here has been?! I feel like I'll make some "progress" about how I'm feeling and then flip out again. We didn't have school today because of a Muslim holiday. Therefore, I dedicated 24 hours to Jesus. I just really needed to work out where my heart is with all of this. I felt my heart was closed off and hard towards God, towards the people around me, towards this whole situation. And clearly that makes me want to give up.

I learned a ton of things over the past 24 hours, even changed part of the way I viewed God.

"Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." Job 5:17, 18.

"...you will weep no more...Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more...when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wound he inflicted." Isaiah 30:19-26.

Isn't it strange that God inflicts wounds? He injures. I think ultimately that has been my struggle here. I know without a doubt that God sent me to India. He was very clear about that and clear about the amount of time to be here. Deep in me I know for me to leave early would be disobeying Him. But I was dealing with resenting Him in a way. Being upset that He would send me somewhere that is intentionally difficult for me. I never asked to come here! He told me to. So in a sense, He "inflicted this wound" by putting me in a tough situation.

But it can't end there. It should never end there in our minds. God puts us through difficult situations in order to discipline us. That means there is love behind it, purpose behind it, and therefore, ultimately hope behind it. If those things are not meant by His actions, then He is abusing us. And clearly that is not His purpose.

My issue was getting my eyes off of His love, forgetting that He does in fact heal and bind up the wounds. It blows my mind to look at the life of Paul. When God first called him, He said He must show Paul, "how much he must suffer for my name." (Acts 9:16). What kind of a calling is that?! And he sure did suffer. Stoning, imprisonments, beatings, shipwrecks...But God ultimately had an amazing purpose for Paul's life, a purpose that has greatly affected believers in Jesus even today.

So God does allow suffering, in fact He sometimes causes it in the form of discipline. But it NEVER ends there. There is always something bigger, something promising, something good and loving. Even if that "something" is never seen on this earth. There is an eternal blessing, an eternal reward.

So I've come to a place of fixing my eyes on Jesus again, knowing that He has and will continue to put me through hard situations for the rest of my life. But I can't look at the situations. I have to look at Him. And when I look at Him, I remember that He is a God of love. That He will deliver. He will heal. He will bind up the wound. And He is good.

Not Alone

I just need to write really quick about possibly one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had. I spent a good part of the day with Pastor Banuel's family, which always has a huge level of being awkward because its just difficult when the majority of the time they're speaking in a language I cannot understand! (Its challenging me to learn Tamil, though, that's for sure) So I get home from their house around 8:30 pm feeling kind of emotionally "blah" just because it was a little discouraging as far as connecting to them. Its just a slow process. The first thing I notice when I turn to walk upstairs is a HUGE spider! I'm not being dramatic here. It really was the size of a tarantula. I started bawling. Crying my eyes out. I told God that I was officially done. Its hard enough to be surrounded by people who I have trouble communicating with, but then I see this massive creature, and there's no one else here to kill it. I just couldn't take it. I told God that He has to let me go home. It didn't cross my mind to try to kill it. I literally would pass out if I got close to it. So I go upstairs and decide to ignore it. But of course the thought of it crawling around all night made me panic a little. (I legitimately have a fear of those guys). Then, suddenly it dawned on me that I could go back to P. Banuel's house and get someone to help me. Weird that it didn't cross my mind at first. I was telling God, "You made me come here all by myself. Its hard enough to be an extrovert and have to spend so much time by myself, but now there's this huge spider and there's no one here with me to kill it. I just can't take this anymore..." And then it was this nudge from the Lord that I'm not alone. Two houses down there is a family that I'm slowly, slowly connecting to. They love Jesus and are dedicated to serving Him. They're as much my family as any American believers. We just share a different language and culture.

So I traipsed back down to their house and Allen, their son, was just getting home! I told him about the problem, and he heroically came to kill it.

Its really interesting how much this situation changed my outlook on that family. I've had the mindset that I'm basically doing this alone with the support of everyone back home. But because of that stupid spider, who I'm sure God sent to teach me this (He works way out of the box haha), something in my heart concerning connecting to the Banuels completely changed. I realized I'm not doing this alone. They're here.

The Theology of Jewelry

The first thing the school principal says to me today is, "Your hair looks bad." Followed by, "Kamal?" Kamal is their word for earring, basically asking me why I wasn't wearing any. I know I blogged earlier about styling my hair to match this culture, as well as wearing earrings because they do. Well, I'm starting to get a little frustrated with the emphasis the women here put on the outward appearance.

As far as hair goes, I really am trying to "look the part," but apparently I didn't meet their expectations today. But as far as earrings, I intentionally didn't wear them today based on the fact that I knew I would get a reaction out of the women! It worked, but was a little more than I had bargained for, I think. The other day I shared 1 Peter 3:3,4 with some of the girls who are training to be teachers. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I don't really think that God counts it as a sin if women wear jewelry. I honestly think the message here is don't let your beauty be defined by your outward appearance, but your inner self. I tried to explain that to the girls; I'm not sure if that really went over well or not. I don't think its bad to wear jewelry or make-up or whatever. Its just being sure that your definition of beauty is not in that outward appearance. God made women to be physically beautiful and that should be celebrated. But maybe its getting a little too much emphasis in this situation.

So today I went without earrings to make a point that its not about whether you wear "kamal" or not. Its what's going on inside of your heart. It literally wore me out having to explain myself over and over throughout the day! But the positive part is they are all aware of 1 Peter 3 now. (These are Christian women by the way; if they were Hindu, I wouldn't hold them to this standard. But as women who follow Jesus, I feel like it doesn't hurt to challenge them with the Bible) :)

My feeling at the end of school today was confusion over whether to wear jewelry or not. haha. I can't believe this is such a big deal! There is one woman who cleans at the school who doesn't wear any jewelry at all. Today is the first day I noticed that. For her, I think it has something to do with her caste (basically social status here) and probably finances. She commented on me not wearing jewelry, which I really liked the comment coming from her because I want her to know its fine that she doesn't. She's just as beautiful as the other women.

I think my final conclusion after praying about it today is to continue to wear earrings, and every time a woman with whom I already shared 1 Peter 3 comments about it, I'll remind her that its about the heart, not the outside. I don't want them to feel like they shouldn't ever put emphasis on physical beauty. Its fun to feel pretty. So I'll prayerfully show them that you can wear jewelry but not consumed by it.

Yep, I literally am wrestling over the theology of wearing jewelry or not! And I pray that this will make them wrestle with it, too.

Not My Home

A couple of nights ago I kept hearing men singing and a drum pounding. At first I just assumed it was coming from a temple, then I realized it wasn't the typical music I hear most mornings and nights. I walked out on my balcony and looked down the street just in time to see a group of Indians rounding the corner and stopping at a house. It reminded me of Christmas caroling, only with a drum and I doubt that they were singing about Christ's birth. Regardless of their purpose, it was the first night that I walked out on my balcony. The first time I think I've really stopped to just enjoy India.

I came to the realization yesterday, really via a conversation with my brother, that I have to embrace this culture. I have not done that. I've had a lot of pre-conceived ideas of what I thought this would be like, mixed with my own American cultural perspectives. I'm having to let go of how I thought Indians live and start with an empty slate. I'm coming now with no expectations and embracing what I observe and learn right now about them. I'm also having to let go of my own culture. I'm very task oriented; this culture is definitely not task oriented. And I thought I understood that, but I think its been very hard for me to embrace. So I'm learning to embrace how they live and letting go of how I've lived for the past 27 years. Its incredible how much that is allowing me to finally be "all here", instead of counting down the days I have to "endure" this. I'm also realizing that I had this deep fear of fully embracing the Indian way of life because that means giving up my American way of life. I'm afraid to not be "relevant" when I go home if I change too much here. I shared that fear with my brother. He has a way of telling you what you need to hear, not want you want to hear and doing it in a very direct way. I'm so grateful for that! He flat out told me that I am ultimately not an American, but a Christian. I'm living life with Indians right now. My Christian community is Indian believers, not American. Jonathan saying those words knocked me out of this funk I've been in. Since when did I start basing how I live on my culture anyway?! I base my life on the Bible! And some things about my American culture that I want to hold onto probably don't line up with Scripture, so I need to change. And the parts about Indian culture that don't line up with Scripture are things I shouldn't embrace. I still want to be "in the world," therefore be a part of whatever world is around me, whether that's an Indian or American world. But I can't be "of the world." So on some level I should stand out no matter what culture I'm in. I'm just praying for wisdom on what to embrace and what not to embrace. Regardless of what things change about me, I cannot let my American heritage determine any change. Because ultimately I'm not an American (or an Indian for that matter). I'm a follower of Jesus, and this earth is not my home.

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers of earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." Hebrews 11:13-16

Can that be Arranged?

Today is one of those days that I have a billion things going on in my brain and am really struggling to decide what to write about. I think I'm going to force myself to settle on two subjects: kids at school and arranged marriages. Clearly unrelated, but both interesting. :)
I'm so encouraged by the relational side of things at school! I finally came to the conclusion that the Indians in this area just never see foreigners, so its taken them a while to warm up to me. Well, something snapped today in the kids. I work at a summer camp where I deal with hundreds of children on a daily basis, and I just get used to being touched and hearing my name every five seconds. That is exactly the feeling I'm starting to get. They're getting comfortable enough with me now to come up to me, and when one comes up, dozens do! By the way, the school consists of around 800 students, so they literally could trample me if I'm not careful. They've been inviting me to their classes, shaking my hand, asking me in their sweet Indian accents "Vat ees yoor name?" To which I answer, "My name es Jana."
I've been to a few classes. The older ones are much harder because they have a set curriculum that I have no idea about (at least its in English), so I feel a bit lost as to what to teach them. I've decided I'm a terrible schoolteacher anyway because my camp roots come out, and I like to play rather than have to keep order in a classroom. So I do much better with the little ones because I can teach them silly songs. (I did play "sit down if" with an older class. Shout out to K-Kountry girl's pow-wow). Basically, I'm trying to figure out how to contribute on an acedemic level, and in the mean time build relationships. Its fun for sure!
Subject number two: arranged marriages. The pastor's son yesterday informs me that it was decided this past Friday who his wife will be, and they will be married in January. Its arranged. That's pretty much the only way its done here. And I spent a good bit of time with the teachers in training today. (LOVE them). We talked about marriage a lot. A few of them asked when I was going to get married. I don't have a great answer for that, especially in this culture because they basically just decide when they want to get married, and it is arranged. I don't know the typical time frame to find someone, but I guess their parents just start looking. Its such a foreign concept to westerners, but its the way most of the world has done it since the world began! So I'm trying to explain to them that I have to find the "right guy," and therefore can't set a time frame. So interesting to me.
Now I'm sure that it may not be as simple as it sounds. There are probably some people here who never can get anything arranged for whatever reason. Maybe the process can take a while. I'm definitely no expert on how it works. But I really can't help but think that maybe we actually do it "wrong" in the west. (Please don't think that I'm ready to have it arranged though. I'm waaaaay too American to do that). It just makes me ponder it all. Here is one amazing thing, though, even if we are doing it "wrong" by dating and not just arranging marriages. I was listening to a pod cast from my church in Memphis from this past Sunday. Christ Bennett is the pastor, and he was talking about singleness. I've never heard anyone directly make the association of waiting on a mate to waiting on Christ's return. He cautioned that we sometimes become cynical about Jesus coming back. It just doesn't seem real. Him coming to earth to get us seems like such a distant belief, far removed from "real" life. In the same way, as a single, I can become cynical that I never will get married. What if the "right" person doesn't come along? What if I'm dreaming about someone who doesn't exist? What if my past failed relationships point to the fact that every relationship I have for the rest of my life will also "fail"? This really is a cynical point of view. And honestly the place the Lord has brought my heart is a place of hope. Hope that the "right" one does exist, that these past failed relationships have been things God has used and covered with His grace. That doesn't mean I need to stop hoping.
The bigger picture I'm trying to get at is truly, truly hoping for Christ's return! I want that to be a reality, not just a "fairy tale, prince charming" sort of thing. A God who came to earth, died, rose from the dead, and is coming back again to rescue us? That is exactly it. And I love seeing this "hope" for a husband one day as a very light shadow of the hope that followers of Jesus have that He is indeed coming one day! No need to be cynical. Its gonna happen.
So arranged marriages or the western way of doing it? Who knows what's best. To each culture its own. I do love that not being able to just arrange something, but having to wait like we potentially do in American culture, clearly points to waiting on Jesus to redeem His people.
2 Timothy 4:8, "Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."

Unashamed

I wake up most mornings to Indian music coming from a nearby Hindu temple. They blare it so that the entire community can hear it. This can go on pretty late into the night, as well as start up at five or six in the morning. For some reason it just seems normal here. I often don't think that much about it. Then, I'll randomly really think about it and it hits me that they are proclaiming, unashamedly, belief in their gods, in their religion.
I went to church this morning. Its about a 45 minute drive and then a couple minute trek to the building. I rode with the pastor, and on our way we picked up another pastor, the guest speaker. We get there pretty early, so I sit down in the back and just read my Bible. Both of the pastors tell me I should sit on the stage in front. Well, they more ask me if I want to. A lot of times Indians don't directly tell you to do something, they passively ask, but you can tell that that's what they want you to do. So I sit down on stage. In the mean time they ask me if I want to share my testimony or preach something. I tell them whatever they need me to do. They say, "Ok. You can have 30 minutes." haha. O Lord! 30 minutes. Please understand that last week at church I half expected them to ask me to share something, and they didn't. So this time it didn't cross my mind that they would. I was just along for the ride. So here I am with a few minutes of notice to prepare a 30 minute sermon. (Really I'm being dramatic. I had to use an interpreter, so that takes up half of the time, plus 30 minutes is fluid here.) I prayed a lot and really did feel calm about it. I went back and forth a little about what to share and settled on Hebrews 1. I might as well use something that God's been stirring in my heart.

The service starts. I felt like I was in a daze for most of the day. I think its because I literally spent the entire day yesterday by myself because there was no school, P. Banuel had a lot going on, and I don't have a lot of option to just go meet people since I can't exactly talk to them. Anyway, despite the fog I felt like my brain was in, I was amazed at the service. I felt like I had walked into a full-blown Pentecostal camp meeting. Clearly I sure didn't mind! One woman has a mic and a drum on the floor, another man has a mic, and a boy has a tambourine. The other thirty or so people join in the music with such passion and fervency, such sincerity. At one point they kept singing the same thing over and over, hands clapping, arms raised, while the pastor intensely prayed.

I was reminded of the Hindu music I hear in the mornings. They don't hold back in proclaiming their beliefs. And I was glad to see that the followers of Jesus here sure don't either. They carry their Bibles proudly as they walk to church, they sing with all of their hearts to their God. My deepest prayer for them, which actually holds true for American believers also, is that following Jesus won't be a religious ritual, but truly life. I pray that they will be able to show the people around them the true life that's found in Jesus. "In Him was life, and that life was the light of men." John 1:4

Later in the service I share. I probably only took like ten or fifteen minutes. I honestly don't know. It felt pretty rough. My interpreter isn't really all that fluent, so we stumbled quite a bit. And its hard for me to feel in my element when I know people can't understand me. But I'm excited to know that God's Word will never come back void. All I want is for those people to know the truth of God's Word, to stand strong in a culture that has a lot of other religious options, and to live in the light of Jesus. Even if all I did was get up there and read Hebrews 1, I know that the Holy Spirit will do the work He desires to do. I'm just grateful He'll use me.

Athletic Arachnids

Anyone who knows me pretty well knows that one of my greatest fears is spiders. I have no idea why. Maybe it was watching "Arachnophobia" when I was a child and remembering that scene where one of them comes out of the shower head. Or maybe it was growing up with a tarantula as a pet. Regardless of the root, I just can't stand them. Its just not right to have that many legs. Well, first day here I see a spider jump from the wall to my suitcase to catch another insect. That's correct. He jumped. And he's not the only one of that species that I've noticed here. So clearly I'm dealing with a special breed. They have athletic abilities that surpass most arachnids.
Last night I was showering and see one on the wall. I'm actually not sure if he was a jumper or not, but who has time to find out? After having a flashback to that scene I mentioned earlier, I just said a simple prayer, "O God don't let him touch me." A few seconds later, he curls up and dies. I'm not kidding. Just like that God zapped him.
Obviously, there's an explanation. His legs were wet or he drowned or something of that nature. It was just coincidence. God doesn't take time to kill little spiders. Or does He? Before I left for India, I was reading a book about prayer with the small group I'm a part of at home. The author talked about being cynical in prayer. That's a concept I never thought of. We don't pray because we don't think God will answer. And when we do pray and He answers, we write it off as coincidence. I'm totally guilty of that. But why not embrace it when He answers a prayer? Why not ask and expect Him to answer?
I have never prayed so specifically and desperately as I have this past week. I don't have the people and things to rely on that I have at home. So its forced me to pray. Which is amazing! I literally need Him for everything, for waking up, for not getting sick, for communicating, for teaching, for eating, for getting a computer to work. I've prayed with such detail, and its blowing my mind the way He has been answering.
Hebrews 1:2, 3, "But in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word." I read that yesterday and it has really impacted me. The entire universe was made through Jesus, and He sustains all things by his powerful word. This gives me more faith to pray specifically because He's literally in control of everything. Mosquitoes have been driving me nuts, so I asked Him to keep them away from me. He made them and His word sustains them, so He controls them. Why not ask him to? He can do it. He created that eight-legged guy in the bathroom. Why not ask Him to not let it touch me? I really didn't mean for Him to strike it dead, though. haha.
There's also the side of cynicism that remembers the times we pray and God doesn't answer. Maybe He has answered, but just not the way we expected. Clearly God has the prerogative to say no. But if we don't ask, we don't even give Him that option. And I'm learning that He's way more willing than I thought to answer with something other than "no".
And as far as the spider goes, I left it on the floor of the bathroom as a reminder that my God really does answer prayer. All I have to do is ask.

Progress

I followed through on the game plan to straighten my hair and wear earrings. First thing the principal comments on is how I look today. I had several women talk about my earrings and hair. Some of the girls told me I look like a "hero," which is their term for movie star. I think that's stretching it a little. I was amazed about the hair comments because, speaking the truth, straightening it doesn't really work in this humidity. So right now its looking pretty frizzy. But if they like it better, I guess I'll go with it. haha. For some reason that really makes me laugh hard. I feel like I'm playing a role in a play or something. Whatever it takes to look the part. Oh, and one new addition is I stopped wearing eye liner because I noticed some of the Hindu kids wear it. I don't want any confusion. While I want to look Indian, I'm trying to avoid looking Hindu.
I'm finally feeling more emotionally stable, which is allowing me to think outside of myself some. I'm able to turn my focus and attention toward the people around me, which clearly is my whole purpose in being here anyway! I got some names down today. I had to write them down and study them, but whatever it takes. And I want to invite some of the teachers-in-training over sometime; I just want to think and pray it through a lot first. I don't want to make any cultural blunders.
Best story of the day: I ride the school bus home from school. Now, I was homeschooled so never had to ride the bus growing up, and I hear its pretty bad. But lets be honest, no American form of transportation has anything on an Indian bus ride. They pack it in. There's literally no space to breath. It makes me smile every time I get on. Those kids are precious and have no concept of a personal bubble. Well, the first day I rode on the bus there was this one boy, probably around three, who was sitting near me not looking very happy. I tried to get him to smile. I'm pretty good with kids, especially sad ones. And he started crying. Tears streaming down his face crying. Apparently I scare him. What I'm getting at is I can see God's purpose in having me here for an extended period of time because its gonna take some time to build trust. They really don't see foreigners often, and that little boy is a great example of that. I really think my white skin freaked him out. Here's what's so encouraging: he's sitting a few rows in front of me today, and I catch him looking at me. I smile and wave. Booya! Got a wave and a smile back. So if it takes a process, a six month process, to develop relationships with people so I can share Jesus, then six months it is.

BTW: Here's a video from this past Sunday. I've been meaning to post it. We had to wade through this little river to get to the spot where we were having church. Then, P. Banuel baptised some people afterward. Baptism in India gives it a whole new meaning to me. People were all around us bathing and washing clothes and here we are baptising people. It truly was a public confession of faith in Jesus. Its really different from the tubs we have in our churches. Its amazing. Anyway, here we are crossing the river and one of the pastors slips. I happened to catch it on video. If you listen carefully you can hear me trying to stifle my laughter. I have a terrible sense of humor.

Hair, Harmony and Accessories

Pastor Banuel comes by my house this morning. He was a little earlier than he said he would be, which kind of annoyed me because I wasn't ready, but then I have to remember that this culture's sense of time is a little different than mine. So I decide to just get over being annoyed. Anyway, one of the first things he says to me is, "Do you need to buy a comb for your hair?" haha. Apparently my crazy, curly side bun that I wear at home doesn't quite fly here. How could someone not appreciate my amazing sense of style?
Then, I get to the school. The past couple of days have been WAY more encouraging as far as student interaction. I had this idea that since I've been leading their song in the morning, I would take advantage of this opportunity to teach them harmony. I mean, I might as well put my degree in music to work, right? I had a few of them sing an alto line to the chorus of "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand." Besides a couple of flat notes, it really was decent. I thought so anyway. As we're practicing, the principal comes in plugging one of her ears and says something to the girls in Tamil. I couldn't understand what she said, but I could tell by her scowl that it wasn't good. Apparently harmony doesn't quite fly here, either.
The power went out around ten, like it does most days, so I quit on the computer for a while and went to visit some Indian girls who are at the school training to be teachers. They're English teachers, so most of them speak English well! They're really great. They ask me about my nose ring. I explain that I got it after I came to India the first time because I was inspired by Indian women. But not everyone approves of it in America. They found that pretty entertaining. Then, they ask why I don't have earrings. I do. I just rarely wear them. Indian women always wear earrings and a necklace.
They did comment on my "golden" hair and said I look like an angel. So that pretty much helped me feel better after all of my cultural shortcomings.
Lesson learned today. "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews...I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." 1 Cor. 9:19, 20a, 22b, 23.
So tomorrow I'm pulling out my straightener, sticking with melody, and wearing my pearl earrings. To the Indians, I'll become an Indian "so that by all possible means I might save some."

Life in Death

"If the leaves had not been let go to fall and wither, if the tree had not consented to be a skeleton for many months, there would be no new life rising, no bud, no flower, no fruit, no seed, no new generation." -Elisabeth Elliot (Clearly I've been reading "Passion and Purity")
Isn't that beautifully put? I find so much encouragement in going through a time or situation that can feel like "dying." There's purpose in it. There's life to be born that can only be born out of death. And that principle is all over Jesus' teaching. John 12:24, "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." Also, Mt. 10:39, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Purpose in death. I love how encouraging that is! I don't know how you walk through anything difficult without seeing hope in the distance, seeing purpose.
And I'm already seeing life born out of the struggle I've had here so far. I got to lead the girls in a song before school started today. The principle was adamant that I correct them while they sang. So I really felt a lot of freedom to teach them about music. I think I'll get to do that often. And since its a Christian school, we sing songs about Jesus. A lot of the kids who attend are Hindu, a lot of the teachers, too, for that matter, so how amazing it is for them to hear worship!
I'm also really connecting to the secretary who is in the office with me. She speaks some English. We have a lot of fun cracking up over the terrible job the printer does sometimes. So she's been a big blessing.
And I've seen God specifically answer a lot of prayers. I've been very detailed in what I've asked of Him since I've been here. I don't think I've relied on Him like this in a while. And He's proving so faithful! Great example: I sat down at the computer this morning after doing the song with the girls, and I felt horrible all of a sudden. There were these weird little splotches on my hand and I felt light-headed. And I'm like, I can't handle being sick right now. So I told the Lord that my body is His temple, He sent me here, and I really need Him to take care of me. I was basically having some spiritual warfare at the computer. haha. A lot goes on at that desk. He heard me and answered. My God has ears that hear and eyes that see. :) I felt fine after really pleading with Him for healing. Jesus makes me smile with His faithfulness!
Just want to end with one of my favorite passages that I reread today. Hebrews 12:4-9, "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons." Going through hardship shows that God loves us. How crazy is that perspective?

Annoying Hope

I literally freaked out today. I told God I can't do it. I seriously can't do this for six months. I feel so helpless, so lost, so useless. I've been sitting at a computer typing things for the school for the past two days with minimal people interaction. I really expected to be doing a lot of hands-on work with kids, especially orphans, and it doesn't look like that's gonna be the plan. I'm hating feeling alone, not really contributing anything spiritually. I really don't mind to serve by sitting at a computer. Anything that furthers His Kingdom. But I just desire more interaction. I for real can't do it this far from home, this far from anything and anyone familiar. And I was sitting there at the computer trying to think through cutting my trip short and if God would be ok with that.
I came to the conclusion that He would be ok with that.
And somehow that gave me peace.
So I'm finishing the day at the computer, thinking about how there's no way I'm staying until May when they ask me to pray for the end of the day. They sing and pray at the beginning and at the end of each school day. And then they asked me to do tomorrow morning as well as sing a song. Funny how something so small can be this little nudge from the Lord that He knows what He's doing. In a way it was annoying. I had it figured out that I couldn't do this and then Jesus goes and births that little seed of hope in me again. He's funny like that. He really won't give us more than we can handle. And when we can't go anymore, He gives us just what we need to push through.
I really don't know if I can handle this til May. But I know that I can handle today with Him.

Sacrifice

I'm sitting in Pastor Banuel's office today and nearly burst into tears; I did actually cry, but just didn't "burst." There's a difference. :)
It was my first day at the school. The children are so beautiful and wonderful. I got a lot of high-pitched "hellos," as well as intrigued looks at the blonde, white lady visiting their classroom. I know I'm going to have some great moments with them over the next few months.
Besides working with the kiddos, I'll be helping the women in the school office. I'm really grateful for my mad typing skills because they have tons of hand-written tests that need to be typed and printed. English being my first language just makes it way easier for me to knock it out than for them to do it. The issue is their computer and printer are way outdated. I mean, I've never actually seen a printer like this. It's pretty similar to a typewriter. You feed the paper manually and the cartridge moves back and forth across the page. I found myself histerically laughing to keep from being too annoyed at the inconvenience. And I think that's really my point here. Inconvenience. I ended up tearing up talking to Pastor Banuel in his office while eating my lunch, which consisted of fried rice, chicken and a boiled egg. I want so badly to just go to Kroger and buy groceries so I can cook whatever I want. I want to punch "print" and know the copier will do its job. I want to not have to be concerned about the lizard I just saw crawling across the wall. I want to know the power won't go out every day for hours at a time. haha. I'm ridiculous. This place will weed selfishness right out of you if you're American.
What I've been processing today is the idea of suffering. I read a quote from Elisabeth Elliot today:
"What kind of a God is it who asks everything of us? The same God who '...did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all; and with this gift how can he fail to lavish upon us all he has to give?' He gives all. He asks all."
So God gives all and asks us to do the same. And at first glance I would think I've given Him a lot in coming here. But then I really think about the fact that I'm sleeping in a bed with covers, staying in a house with a kitchen, washer, and a shower with potential for hot water (its just not currently working). And there are billions of people, including people on my same street here who don't have running water. People are starving to death and I'm struggling because of the spice in my rice.
I read today in Matthew how at the end of Jesus' life His followers deserted Him, and then, on the cross His Father forsook Him. And I was reminded of one of Lecrae's lines:
"How dare I compare my pain?
Your Father turned His back
And You were left to hang"
Lecrae makes a good point. Could I ever go through anything compared to what Jesus suffered? Could I ever begin to give Him enough of myself to remotely match what He gave? But what I really appreciate about my God is He does see these things I'm giving up for His Kingdom as a sacrifice. Even when things do seem remote compared to Christ's sacrifice, I'm grateful that God still accepts and rejoices over what I bring Him.
Is eating foreign food a sacrifice? Is feeling lonely and really wishing I had a husband to do this adventure with really a sacrifice? Is giving up the comfort and leisure of the U.S. possibly a sacrifice? "You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it, you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:16-17). Seems like David realized its not about what you bring to God necessarily, but its how your heart is in the matter. If learning patience over a printer in an Indian school cuases my heart to be broken before my God, then I think that's exactly the sacrifice He wants.

Awkard, But Promising

Well, I arrived in India! I have so many things going through my brain right now; I'm not sure where to begin. For starters, I'll describe how I feel. I don't feel at all like I did last time I was here. I'm sure that's largely due to the culture shock I experienced here in '08, which this time I don't really have because I know basically what to expect. The constant noise of car horns, the smell of curry, not being suprised at people peeing on the side of the road, seeing Hindu gods scattered around the town, hearing the chantlike music playing from Muslim mosques. These seem strangely familiar to me. The crowds, the constant brushing up against someone when you're in a public area, is also strangely famliar.
However, there are some things that will take some adjusting. I'm already seeing myself having to push aside things that would be awkward in my culture and know that its normal here. A great example of this is being pushy. You'll get trampled if you're not kind of "rude". If you actually want to get off a bus, you better shove someone aside or you literally will never exit. haha. Or when the pastor's son brings some food over and is barely talking, making me wonder if he speaks English fluently. Then he sits and watches me eat the whole meal. He does actually speak English, so at least we talk eventually. haha. I just kind of have to laugh and choose to pretend I don't feel rediculously awkward in those situations.
Anyway, back to how I'm feeling. I am seriously experiencing supernatural peace and rest. Truly "peace that passes all understanding" that Phillippians 4:7 mentions. The Word of God feels so alive to me right now, an anchor. Whenever I want to have a freak out moment because of the length of time I'll be here and physically being alone, something deep in me refuses to. I know I'm where He wants me and tons of people are praying for me; those two things help immensely. And I keep having K-Kountry flashbacks to telling home-sick kampers the cure is to "focus on the right now because you can't go home." Haha. If I try to think six months at a time, I really will spaz out, so I'll just focus on the now and know that God has amazing plans for the future time here.
Overall, I really do feel so assured that this journey is going to be incredible. My God is so faithful. And I'm excited to see what unfolds, awkward moments and all.

Skills

I'm talking to Pastor Banuel the other day, trying to gather some more details about where I'll be spending the next 6 months. He asks me if I can cook. My mind immediately goes to envisioning myself trying to cook curry for 50 children in an orphanage. Now, I know from visiting India in '08 that I need to be prepared to use all kinds of skills, but this is really stretching it, especially because I have no clue how to cook anything Indian. In a panicked voice I answer yes, but quickly explain that I can't cook Indian food.
"No problem, I was just wondering so you can cook for yourself in the house you will be living in."
I seriously breathe a sigh of relief.
I know this trip will stretch me in ways I've never been stretched before, requiring me to heavily rely on Jesus for the many, "I don't know what in the world I'm doing" moments. Praise God it doesn't look like one of those moments will be cooking in an orphanage! (Watch that actually happen now). But I know I will end up teaching classes I don't know how to teach, comforting children and women I don't know how to comfort, speaking a language I don't know how to speak, even wearing clothes I don't know how to wear. Yay for saris! And I'm excited for all of those moments because it can't help but make Jesus bigger. "But he said to me, 'My grace is suffient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.
Please pray that as I prepare to leave for this adventure in 4 days that I will even now begin to let His power fill my weakness. And that I'll even boast in that weakness for His sake.
And for fun, here is a video of a random skill (talent?) that I used in India last time I was there.